I could be lonely with you
by MoonlightPath666
Summary: Rey wishes for her parents to come back, instead, she's adopted by Luke Skywalker who reveals secrets from her past that leaves Rey feeling more alone than ever. She's afraid of being an empty, sad shell of a human being. She's afraid she will never love or feel loved. Then she meets Ben Solo. Modern AU. Crappy summary, but please read
1. Born to Die

**Walking through the city streets**

 **Is it by mistake or design?**

 **I feel so alone on a Friday night**

 **Can you make it feel like home if I tell you, you're mine?**

 **It's like I told you, honey**

- **Born to Die by Lana Del Rey**

After their first month together Luke finally reveals why he picked her.

He sits her down on his worn couch and explains how he knew her grandfather a long, long time ago.

"Your name is Rey Kenobi."

Rey wants to throw something at him. Did he think she was an idiot?

"Yes, I know my own name," she says bitingly instead.

She still doesn't trust this strange man who picked her from the orphanage and took her away from Unklar Plutt. Sure, the orphanage was a horrible place for a 12-year-old to be in, but Rey could survive anything. She didn't need to be saved. Deep inside she knew that she should be grateful to Luke Skywalker, but he took her away from the last place where her family could find her. And now she might be lost to her family forever.

She was so angry. Still is, that he adopted her and took her far away from that dusty desert town in California. Now she spends her days with him in a small, yet beautiful house near the California coast. She fights with Luke on every little thing possible, although it's hard to fight with someone who spends their mornings meditating.

But still, she refuses to be thankful to him. Not until he gives her a reason to.

Rey knows that any other orphan would be ecstatic, especially one as old as her. No one ever wants to adopt a scruffy child when there are cute blank babies in the world that they can mold into their own wants and ideals. No one wants an already grown and weary child. That's how Rey has always felt like. Not a child, but a tired, bitter adult. She never had the luxury of being a child.

"I didn't know who my parents were when I was your age, I was an orphan as well," Luke admits.

Rey feels some of her anger ebb away. Somehow she feels a little closer to him. He was like her. They were connected, if only in a tragic way.

"I was raised in many foster homes. Until I met a man named Ben Kenobi."

Rey sits frozen.

Does Luke know her parents?

She feels too scared to be hopeful. She doesn't want to ask. She almost doesn't want to know.

"Kenobi…" she whispers unable to stop herself.

Luke gives her a gentle smile, but his blue eyes look sad.

"Yes, Kenobi. Just like you. He was your grandfather. I met him-" Luke shakes his head, "No, actually he found me when I was a lost teenager looking for a place in this world. He taught me so much, he gave me a purpose. He knew my parents and told me all about them. The good and the ugly. I struggled with it, but I came out stronger. However, the best thing he did was tell me that I had a sister. A twin sister. We had been separated at birth. She was lucky and got adopted by a wealthy family. Once Obi-wan introduced me to her, I finally felt complete. I finally found a home. And I will forever be grateful to him for that."

Luke's eyes turned misty.

"He's gone now. And for the longest time, I had no idea of your existence. Your grandfather was old when I met him and he lived a life so long and full of secrets, that sometimes I still feel like I didn't know him at all. I wish he had told me that he had other family. I thought he was alone… but then a year ago I was cleaning out some things from the attic and I found some of his belongings. I found a letter he wrote to your father, his son, but he never sent it."

Rey sat there, enraptured. She always dreamed that one day she would find her family, but she couldn't believe it was actually happening.

"Where is he? Where's my father?" Rey asked. Her eyes big and hopeful and full of unshed tears. Feeling more like a child then she ever had before.

Luke looked away from her.

"After I found the letter I decided to do some research. I wanted to find Obi-Wan's son, and tell him of his father's passing. It took a lot of time and sources to find him but once I did…. Rey, I'm so sorry but your parents are no longer with us. They were in a car accident and passed away right after you were born."

Rey felt something break inside of her. She had always been an unwanted creature and she had accepted it, but knowing that her parents would never come back, that's what truly shattered her. She started crying. Crying so hard it became painful. She had never cried so much in her life before. Crying was for children. For the weak.

Luke reached out. His arms wrapped around her tiny frame, trying to hold her together. And she let him.

"I'm so sorry Rey. I just wanted you to know the truth. And the truth is that your family might be gone, but you will never be alone again. I'm here now. The moment I found out about you, I did everything I could to find you. To make sure you were safe, like your grandfather did for me."

Rey shook her head.

"You're wrong," she said through her tears, "I'll always be alone."

Luke held her tighter.

A week passes after Luke's revelation. Rey walks around like a ghost. She talks when spoken to, eats everything that Luke cooks for her, and spends whole days either in her bed or walking along the shores of Luke's beach house. Luke tries his hardest to make her feel at home. But Rey still doesn't know what that means. She doesn't seem to belong anywhere.

She stops arguing with him after the night he held her as her heart broke. But now her silence worries him. Rey wished that she could care. But knowing her parents are dead and she wasted her whole childhood on false hope makes her feel numb inside.

One night as they eat dinner Luke informs her that they will have some visitors soon. He tells her about his sister and Rey is envious at how excited he sounds.

"Leia is a very busy and important person. She's always somewhere trying to save the world one way or the other," Luke says sarcastically but his eyes hold so much warmth that it makes Rey's heart ache painfully.

She wonders if she will ever love someone that much. Or if anyone will ever love her.

"But she decided to take some time off from work so she could come down and see you. She can't wait to meet you. She loved your grandfather as well. Hell, she even named her son after him."

Something about hearing that makes Rey's heart a little lighter. Almost like part of her grandfather is still alive.

"How old is he?" Rey asks, her throat a little rough from not using it.

Luke looks at her in surprise. He wasn't used to the sound of her voice. Rey almost feels guilty for making him live with a ghost like her.

"Ben is 15 years old now," Luke remembers.

"I haven't seen him in a long time but from what I remember Ben can be….a bit of a handful. He used to have horrible tantrums when he was little, Leia says that he can still be a bit sensitive sometimes. Overly emotional. Honestly, he's probably just a normal bratty teenager." Luke says unsurely.

"Teenagers are the worst," Rey admits.

She tried her hardest to stay away from the older kids at the orphanage. They were dangerous and often cruel.

Rey hopes that Ben is different.

 **Lost but now I am found**

 **I can see but once I was blind**

 **I was so confused as a little child**

 **Tried to take what I could get**

 **Scared that I couldn't find**

 **All the answers honey**


	2. Youth

**Sorry, this chapter is short. I'll make next chapter longer and hopefully better. Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Shadows settle on the place, that you left**

 **Our minds are troubled by the emptiness**

 **Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time**

 **From the perfect start to the finish line**

 **\- Youth by Daughter**

Leia and Ben arrive the next day while the sun is slowly setting.

Rey thinks Leia is the prettiest women she has ever met. And the strongest.

Something about her eyes and the way she carries herself screams regal. As if she's an undercover queen ruling over a secret kingdom. It's almost scary how much Rey wants her approval.

Leia hugs Luke tightly once she enters the house and Rey thinks she sees both of them get teary-eyed. Rey longs for a brother or a sister, or anyone to hug her like that. But she's once again reminded that her family is dead.

Behind Leia stands Ben Solo.

Like a dark shadow.

Although he's only 15 years old, he towers over his mother, making Rey feels like a dwarf or a toddler around him.

Leia introduces them. Ben only says a quiet hello and allows his uncle to hug him.

Rey finds him so strange.

He's dressed all in black despite it being summer. He wore black jeans and a simple black shirt that somehow oozes the stench of money. Nothing like the kids at the orphanage.

His hair is long and dark and messy. Rey feels an urge to run her fingers through it and move it away from his face.

He has an interesting face, Rey decides.

She can see Leia in him but also something rougher in his looks.

He stands awkwardly as if he doesn't quite know how to work his limbs into a relaxed stance.

His stare is absent, devoid of all emotion, as if he doesn't want to see the people around him.

Part of Rey is offended.

Did he think so highly of himself that he couldn't be bothered to look at her?

Rey had met people like that before. People that looked down on her for being in an orphanage. People either pitied orphans or looked down on them. Rey hated both sides.

She wanted to push him down so that she wouldn't have to look up at him.

Another part of Rey understands.

He look like he wants to disappear and so does she.

They sit down in the living room.

Having so many people in a place that is usually only reserved for her and Luke makes Rey feel antsy. It's suffocating. Rey wants to go to her room but she doesn't want to be rude. Doesn't want Luke to regret adopting her any more than he probably already has. So she sits and politely answers any questions that Leia asks her. She listens to Leia and Luke catch up and talk about adult, boring stuff. She likes Leia's voice. Soft, but strong. Confident.

Rey's eyes wander to Ben from time to time.

He still refuses to look at her.

Rey doesn't mind. She just keeps sneaking glances at him. She can't make up her mind on whether he's handsome or not.

She doesn't know why she bothers thinking about it.

Maybe she's just bored.

Maybe she finds Ben's weird attitude intriguing.

No, she decides, he's completely irritating.

Ben looks like this is the worst thing that has ever happened in his life and Rey sort of hates him for it.

How horrible it must be to visit family, Rey thinks sarcastically.

Did he not understand how incredibly lucky he was? How much Rey would love to have the chance to visit her uncle with her mother? She's all alone. Rey can't comprehend Ben's ungrateful attitude. Did he not know how special it was to have someone who cares about you.

Rey wants to shake him until he smiles.

But part of her still feels numb. She remains quiet. Only answering when Leia asks her a question. She tries to be polite but she really just wants to go back to sleep and not be awake for a while or forever.

Luke and Leia look happy together. Ben looks off to the window facing the beach and doesn't bother contributing to the conversation. Rey remains a ghost in this house.

"How's Han?" Luke asks innocently enough.

An awkward, tense silence settles. Not even Leia can fix it.

Rey sees Ben's face tense up. Frustration making his eyes focus and sharp. His large pale hands clench into fists.

Rey recognizes that look from Unklar Plutt. That look means someone is about to blow up.

Rey would always try her hardest to stay away from Plutt when he did. Or else she'd get caught in the aftermath.

Since staying with Luke, all of Rey's scars and bruise have healed and no new ones have been created. But she still remembers the pain. The fear.

Ben raises his fists and before she can stop herself, Rey flinches. She turns away from him and closes her eyes. It's a learned response.

Involuntary.

Before Rey can open her eyes, Ben has risen and run out the back door leading towards the beach.

Leia and Luke watch after him crestfallen.

Rey is left breathless.

I wasn't scared, she told herself.

Well, maybe she was for a second. But she didn't want to be.

Mostly she was...curious.

What made Ben Solo tick?

A dark part of Rey wanted to know. For the first time since learning her families history, she feels alive. Rising slowly she makes her way towards the same exit.

As she leaves she hears Luke calling her name, but she ignores him.

He doesn't bother going after her.

Leia sighs at the two strange kids storming out of the house.

Luke calls after Rey. She doesn't return.

"Just leave them, Luke. They need to find their own way."

Luke doesn't think that's a good parenting move but he stays quiet. He has no right to berate her. He is obviously not doing a good job with Rey. But he's trying his best and so is his sister.

"She's awfully quiet, but she has kind eyes. Like her grandfather," Leia says wistfully.

"She hasn't had the easiest life growing up and honestly I'm worried I'm just making it worse," Luke admits worriedly.

"Don't be such a downer, you are doing everything you can to make her feel safe and happy. And eventually, she'll see that and start to open up. Just don't rush her. And beware of teenage rebellion, I was a nightmare," Leia says teasingly.

Luke almost groans thinking about that possibility.

"I don't think I have to worry. She's a bright girl. I see a light in her and I think she can have a good life once she chooses to," Luke says hopefully.

"I'm sure she'll find the right path to follow with your guidance," Leia says warmly, "I actually needed to talk to you in private. I was actually hoping that you could help with something."

"Anything," replied Luke.

"I'm going to be away on a business trip soon. It's going to take about a month. Maybe more. The last two caretakers I hired for Ben are too scared to come back and I don't have time to look for a new one. Could Ben please stay with you? I know it's a lot to ask for, especially since you've just adopted Rey. "

"Leia it's fine. I haven't seen him in years since you moved, I'd be happy to have him here. But why isn't he staying with Han?"

"About that... it's probably best you don't mention him. We've decided to get a divorce. Ben is...struggling. "

Luke stares at her in shock.

"A divorce? But you love each other!"

Leia sighs once more and Luke can see the hidden sadness in her eyes.

"Sometimes love is not enough."

 **And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one**

 **'Cause most of us are bitter over someone**

 **Setting fire to our insides for fun**

 **To distract our hearts from ever missing them**

 **But I'm forever missing him**


	3. Someone to Stay

**Thank you so much to the reviewer who recommended me this song. I love it and it fits the story so well!**

 **Also sorry for not updating any sooner. School is kicking my ass and making me sad :(**

 **Get ready for angsty teen angst.**

* * *

 **You were alone left out in the cold**

 **Clinging to the ruin of your broken home**

 **Too lost and hurting to carry your load**

 **We all need someone to hold**

 **Someone to Stay by Vancouver Sleep Clinic**

Part of it is his fault.

He's not the like his mother or father. He's not perfect and inspiring like his mother. Not charming or handsome like his father. He can't make useless small talk with people. If no one has something real to say than Ben prefers silence. He can't force himself to smile when he doesn't want to. He can't force himself to be calm when he's angry. He shouts, he throws things, he destroys. And it makes people terrified of him. He can even see it in his parent's eyes when they look at him.

That tiny glint of distrust.

They don't know who their son is. Sometimes they don't recognize him. He isn't the perfect, loving son that they were expecting when they were young and full of love.

That love has gone cold now.

He doesn't doubt that they both love him. He just doubts the strength of that love.

Ben wasn't surprised when his parents sat him down and told him they were separating.

It was obvious.

But it didn't hurt any less.

He knew they loved each other. But they were never enough for each other. Ben saw it every time that his Father missed an important event for his mother. Every time that her mother shouted at him afterward. Then his father would disappear for weeks or months. His mother would throw herself into her work and in a way, she left Ben as well. Eventually, Han would come back and say how much he missed them and loved them, yet he always ended up leaving. Again and again and again. And every time he came back, Ben hated him a little more.

Han Solo was never meant for staying.

Leia Organa could never accept defeat.

But she couldn't save her marriage. She could never make him stay. Not even having his child made Han Solo change his ways. Ben feels as though he wasn't enough for either of them and he hates himself for it sometimes, but he hates them more for expecting too much from him. He couldn't be their sole purpose in life. He couldn't save them.

Ben hated both of them. Not that he would ever say it out loud. Well maybe to his father.

But never to his mother.

At least she tried. But she could never understand him and that hurt him more than he would ever admit.

And now she's back to loving her job more than Ben.

This time she's the one leaving him and it hurts Ben more than he would ever admit. He was already angry when they got to Luke's house. Angry that she was going to abandon him so that's she could go play with politicians and try to change the world for the better. In Ben's honest opinion, this world didn't deserve her.

People were monsters. The world was screwed already. Why not let it self-destruct?

His bad mood soured even more after hearing his useless father's name.

Ben almost lost it. He wanted to wipe away his father from his memory. He never wanted to hear his name ever again. So he almost threw a fit right there in his uncle's living room.

Almost.

Normally he wouldn't care what the consequences of his actions caused, but then he saw Rey's face as he almost punched the nearest thing near him.

That flicker of fear.

She looked so small.

Ben felt ashamed, so he ran away.

 _Just like your father,_ said a nasty voice in his head.

Ben tried to ignore it.

Now he finds himself laying down in the sand, watching the last rays of light leave the sky.

It's peaceful out here. In this lonely beach town that his uncle has hidden himself away in.

Ben doesn't remember much about him.

Just his kind, blue eyes, and gentle voice.

He's almost happy that he'll be staying here for a while. Away from his mother and shitty father. Away from the city with its loud noises and crowded streets that made his skin crawl and his head hurt. Away from teachers and students that look at him like he's a menace to society. No one wants him there.

No one ever wants him.

Someone sits down beside him.

Ben turns his head, startled.

It's her.

The girl.

Ben doesn't know what to make of her.

His mother had quickly explained how his uncle had recently adopted a young girl.

"Why not just adopt a cat?" Ben had asked dumbfounded.

Ben figured his uncle was just lonely, but then his mother explained who the girl was.

Rey Kenobi.

Ben had grown up listening to so many old stories.

Some stories were whispered in hushed voices. Those were usually about his own grandfather, Anakin Skywalker, who had lost his mind and ended up murdering Obi-Wan and Ben's grandmother, Padme, in a fit of rage before taking his own life. Ben wasn't allowed to talk about that. It made his mother sad.

Once Ben found out about his family's dark past, he finally realized why his parents looked at him so worriedly. They were afraid. Afraid that he would end up like his grandfather. End up insane and violent. A monster.

It made Ben angry…but a part of him did feel some weird connection to his grandfather. They were both the black sheeps of the family. There was a darkness in Ben that sometimes scared him. Not that he would ever tell his mother that.

However, there were also stories about his own parents and their old friends filled with adventure and happiness.

One of the happier stories was about Old Ben Kenobi.

His mother wanted Ben to be a happy story. So she put her hopes on Ben and named him after the man that reunited her with her brother and introduced her to her husband.

Unfortunately, Ben could never bring her that much happiness.

And then there was Rey.

She was 12 years old and came from some nowhere town in the desert. She was a skinny and pale girl with big sad eyes. Her brown hair was pulled back into a bun and she wore an insignificant grey sweater with worn jeans. She didn't look like anything special. Yet, he could see how his Uncle looked at her. There was hope in his eyes. Hope that she could one day be a happy story.

Ben almost hated her for it.

Even though it wasn't her fault that his family was falling apart. She was just introduced to a mess and everyone wanted her to be the start of something better. Ben could see it in Leia's eyes. Rey was a brand new hope for them all.

 _They were family now._

That's what his mother told him. But Rey was nothing to him. Just a lost girl that his Uncle found again. Ben refused to accept their blind optimism. Ben would never consider her family, but he didn't say that to his mother. She had looked so stern and hopeful. Ben didn't have the heart to tell her that he didn't give a damn about an orphan.

She was just a girl.

So he tried his hardest to ignore her and to ignore everyone else.

But then he had seen her flinch at his anger and something in Ben felt repulsed by it. By his behavior. He really did need to get himself together.

 _Was he really a monster?_

Now she was sitting next to him on a dark beach, listening to the waves roll in and to their own breathing.

She was quiet. Just like she had been inside his Uncle's house.

Ben had to admit that he liked that about her. She didn't try to bullshit her way into his mother's good graces. Sure, she was polite and nice when spoken to, but otherwise, she kept to herself and didn't bother making useless small talk. Ben could respect that.

He almost wanted to apologize to her.

Until she asked something that made him livid again.

"Who's Han? Why do you hate him so much?" Rey asked quietly.

She had a slight accent to her voice and a somber quality to it. It made it her sound so much older than 12.

Ben sat up in anger.

He almost started shouting.

 _Who the hell did she think she was? Who asks such a personal question to someone they barely know?_

But he didn't want to scream at her.

He could somehow feel that she wasn't being malicious. No, Ben could tell that she wasn't trying to be mean. She was just curious. Curious like a child trying to learn why they can't touch fire.

Ben took a deep breath. He listened to the waves and willed his anger away.

"Han is my deadbeat, useless father," Ben said bitterly, "he's the reason why my Mom is dumping me here for the rest of the summer. She's going on a business trip and normally she would force him to take care of me for once, but now they're getting a divorce. Dad has no reason to pretend he actually gives a shit about me. He's free to never come back and I hope he never does," Ben explained.

It felt good to talk about it to someone, even if it was just some stranger.

Rey looked at him and Ben could see a spark of anger in her brown eyes. It made her look less plain. More real.

"You can't possibly mean that?" she asked incredulously.

"He's your dad, he must care about you," she said naively.

Rey sounded so innocent. Ben almost hated to ruin her, but he wouldn't lie to her.

"You don't get it, do you? If he wanted to be my father, he would've stayed, but he always left when things got too rough or boring. Sure, maybe he does love me and my mom. But that doesn't mean that he was ever a real father to me or a good husband. Maybe that's just not in his DNA. He just doesn't know how to be a father, so why keep pretending. Mom should've dumped him a long time ago."

Ben's rant about his father started off bitter and heated, but by the end of his speech, his throat tightened uncomfortably and his eyes burned with the need to release. He felt pathetic. Near to tears in front of some child.

"You're right. I don't get it. I never had any parents, but I always hoped they were out there and that they loved me. Because that's the way it's supposed to be, right? Parents are supposed to be there for their children and love them and take care of them. and I believed it. How stupid is that? They're dead and never coming back," said Rey in a fragile voice.

Ben almost flinched at her voice.

She sounded so…broken.

He looked at her. She was curled into herself and hugging her knees to her chest tightly. Her eyes turned downward, her face shrouded in darkness, but he could see her tears.

She looked pretty as she cried.

It was an awful thought for Ben to have, but it popped into his head without warning.

"We are a pathetic sight," he told her honestly.

Rey snorted and lifted her face towards him.

She gave him a watery smile.

"Yeah, we sure are."

Ben decided she looked beautiful when she smiled.

"I don't need them. I don't need anyone telling me who I should be in life or telling me that they care about me when they obviously can't be bothered to stay and neither do you," Ben told her trying to comfort her. A foreign concept to him, but he was willing to try for her.

Rey shook her head.

"We need someone, everyone does. We need someone to help us get through life," Rey said sounding so much mature than Ben ever expected a 12-year-old girl to be, but he was quickly realizing that Rey was not a normal girl.

"I still think Uncle Luke should've gotten a cat instead of you, but maybe spending the summer here with you won't totally suck," Ben told her teasingly, trying to shake off the weird mood of this day.

"You're an asshole," Rey told him, but Ben could tell she was fighting a smile.

"Let's get inside before they start to think I kidnapped you," Ben said sarcastically.

Rey snorted.

"No offense, but I think I could take you."

"Yeah, right. No offense, but you're a shrimp compared to me," Ben shot back.

"I doubt that you've ever had to fight someone," Rey said looking at his expensive jeans as he stood up. It was obvious to Rey from the moment she laid her eyes on both Leia and Ben that they came from old money.

"And you have?" Ben asked curiously.

Rey remained quiet.

"Let's go inside before Luke starts to think that I drowned myself in the ocean," she said passively.

Ben was so thrown off by her dark sense of humor that he laughed out loud.

He reached out a hand towards her to help her get up.

Normally, he refused any human contact if he could, but after laying out his heart to her, he felt less weary.

She took his hand without question.

For once, Ben looked forward to the future. Maybe spending the summer with Rey and Luke wouldn't be so horrible. Ben started to feel something foreign inside him.

Hope.

 **You were falling and lonely, cry out:**

 **Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?**

 **The end of the day, I'm helpless**

 **Can you keep me close? Can you love me?**

* * *

I have no idea when I'll be able to update cuz I have so many essays and projects due soon :(

I'll try though... I would rather spend time writing this.


	4. Jack and Jill

**School has been complete hell. I'm just glad that I'll be able to update before next month. Hopefully I'll get more time to write this summer. I hope y'all enjoy this. Please leave me reviews, it helps with my motivation to continue this story. Thank you!**

* * *

 **She wore that dress like it was a Saturday**

 **Pretty as a summer rose picked in the morning**

 **And he held her hand like it was a mystery**

 **One he couldn't quite believe**

 **Just walking with him**

 **They were high up on a hill**

 **Something to say, and daylight to kill**

 **Time slipped away, the way that it will**

 **Jack and Jill by Katie Herzig**

Leia stays for a week.

And Rey has to admit that she has kind of fallen in love with her.

Perhaps it's because she's never had a strong female figure to look up to, or maybe it's just Leia. Maybe she's just easy to love.

She strong and independent without ever being mean or cold. She holds Rey's hand when they walk down a busy street and gives her a goodnight kiss every night. She's warm and funny and at times brutually honest like her son. Even Luke is livelier around her. Less concern with his simplistic view in life and ready to enjoy it instead. As the days pass, Leia somehow looks more beautiful. The stress melts away from her face and the sadness is kept at bay. Even Ben can't help but enjoy spending time with her before she leaves. Rey can tell, despite his antagonisms, that Ben loves his mother dearly.

They go around town visiting cute antiques stores and cafes. Leia and Luke buy her a bunch of new clothes that Rey doesn't need. Nice blouses and shorts in different colors, although Rey tries her best to get muted colors that wouldn't draw attention. Leia even buys her some swimsuits and Rey feels uncomfortably shy looking at them around Luke and Ben.

"I really don't need much. You don't have to keep buying me stuff," Rey tells them embarrassed by all the attention. She really didn't deserve it, and she didn't want them wasting money on her.

"Well, you can't keep wearing rags," Ben untactfully says out loud.

Leia shakes her head at him and looks like she's about to scold him in the middle of the store.

Rey is angered by his comment, although she knows it's true. She didn't have much at the orphanage and it shows. But still, Rey decides to get back at him.

"Hmmm…you're right. But you can't keep wearing black clothes and jeans all summer long. You'll get a heat stroke. I think we should get him a new wardrobe for the summer. Don't you think?" Rey asks Leia innocently.

Ben's mouth hangs open as his mother agrees with Rey.

"Wait…What? Mom, no! I don't want to go shopping!" Ben whines like a child or a whiny teenager.

Lei huffs in annoyance.

"I told you to pack for the beach and all you've brought are jeans and t-shirts," She tells him exasperated, "I knew I should've packed for you."

"I'm not a child!" Ben exclaims offended.

"Then maybe you should stop acting like one," Rey tells him honestly.

Ben looks like he's about to say something nasty in return, but at the last minute he shuts his mouth.

"Touché," he says instead.

Luke and Leia laugh at him and his face turns red. Rey gives him a smile. They could both suffer together at least.

They end up spending all day looking at different stores and wasting so much money that it makes Rey's head dizzy. Leia and Ben seem unfazed by it. Luke gives her a comforting smile letting her know that it's okay. By the end, Ben still picks out a bunch of dark colors but his clothing are more attuned for warm weather. Meanwhile, Rey comes out with a whole new wardrobe and she has never felt so lucky in her life. This kind of thing never happened to people like her.

Maybe in movies, but not in real life.

They spend their afternoons and nights on the beach. The sand sticks to everything that Rey wears but she doesn't mind. Sometimes they make a fire and eat dinner outside. Leia and Luke tell funny stories from their youths and Luke even tells her some stories about her grandfather. Rey sits enthralled and shoves food into her mouth. She doesn't think she has ever eaten so much in her life.

It's the height of vacation season and there's tourists everywhere they go, so they remain in Luke's private little shore. The rest of beaches are crowded and Rey longs for summer to be over so that she can enjoy the town in peace. However, once summer is over Ben would have to leave and Rey find herself disliking that idea less and less with each passing day.

Rey finds herself connecting to the strange teen in ways that she never dreamed possible.

It was strange how Rey always sought out his presence. Strange how she actually enjoyed spending time with him, well, when he didn't act like a jerk.

Ben is not an easy person to get along with.

He hates mornings and going to crowded stores and streets. He complains about everything he hates and sometimes Rey wants to shut him up. Put a tape over his mouth and only let him speak when he has something nice to stay.

She hates it when he goads his uncle or mother into a fight when he's in a bad mood. Yet, somehow she can see through all his bullshit. She can see how hurt he is by his absent father and how he struggles to control his anger and how much he hates himself for not being what his parents expect him to be. And Ben can see her too. The ugly parts of herself that she tries to hide and he accepts them.

Rey knows she shouldn't, but she can't help but laugh at his sarcastic comments. Can't help loving his smile, especially when it isn't cruel. Can't help staring at him when he looks away from her. Can't help wanting to memorize every single hue of his brown eyes.

She's only twelve years old, but she knows what a crush is. But a "crush" is such a small, insignificant word to her, so she refuses to think of him as a crush. He's just different. Rey doesn't want to question it. She just likes it when he's close and happy.

Leia and Luke are ecstatic by the easy friendship Ben and Rey forge.

They were surprised at first, when they returned from the beach the first night after Ben had stormed out and Rey had followed. Ben was calm and remorseful for almost throwing a fit at the sound of his father's name. He had apologized and Leia had looked at him like he had grown a second head. Luke looked at Rey and his eyes seemed to ask her, _how did you manage that?_ Rey only smiled at him.

For the first time in a long time, Rey wanted to let these people in. Maybe they would never truly be her family, but she was so tired of her loneliness. She was so tired of pushing everyone away. She wondered if Ben felt the same way.

Time flies by too quickly for Rey's liking, and suddenly its Leia's last day before she gets on a plane leaves them. Ben is somber and extra snarky. Luke is sad but trying to make the most of the time they have left. Rey doesn't want her to leave, but she's glad that Ben will stay for a while longer. It was comforting to have someone closer to her age, even if she sometimes felt too young and naïve around him.

On Leia's last night, they sit around a campfire while roasting marshmallows. Ben teaches Rey how to make a s'more. He makes sure she doesn't burn herself while his mother laughs at something Luke says. Rey has never felt so happy.

Leia leaves the next morning and Ben locks himself in the guest room that he had been sleeping in for the rest of the day. By night time Rey has had enough of his wallowing and demands that he comes have dinner with her and Luke. Ben glares down at her, but begrudgingly follows her to the kitchen.

The next day Ben wakes her up early in the morning and Rey is amazed that he's coherent.

"Come on, wake up," he says shaking her lightly.

Rey groans and drags her blanket over her face in defiance.

Ben's fingers poke her sides until she gets up reluctantly.

"Why are you awake? It's too early for vampires to be up," Rey teases him.

Ben rolls his eyes at her lame joke.

"I'm going to teach you how to swim today," he says seriously.

Rey stares at him in surprise.

She had gone out to the water with him and Leia on mornings while Luke mediated, but she had never gone too far.

She didn't really think he had noticed that she would stay on the shallow end or would chose to sunbathe while they went swimming.

"I don't know…Shouldn't we go with Luke?" she asks.

"He went grocery shopping, and it's not like I'll let you drown. Don't you trust me?" he asks with a smirk on his face.

"I do," Rey says immediately and she's confused by it. She had only met him a week ago, yet she did trust him. Way more than she should.

"Are you too scared to?" Ben teases.

She knows that he's baiting her. Trying to dare her into facing one of her fears, yet it ends up working.

"No, I'm not! Let me get dressed and we'll go right now," she tells him defiantly. She rips her comforter of her body and starts to get up.

"Good. You can't live right next to the ocean and not know how to swim. I'll leave a note telling Luke where we are, for when he comes back," Ben says as he leaves her bedroom.

He pauses at her doorway, staring at her.

"Oh and nice PJ's," he say before he leaves her.

Rey suddenly realizes that it was the first time he had been in her room. And that her hair is probably a horrible, frizzy mess. And that she's wearing pajamas that Luke had gotten her with cute pink bunnies everywhere. Rey groans in embarrassment and hates that she feels so self-conscious. She never used to care about what she looked like before. But since she's met Ben, she thinks way too much.

She puts on a new swimsuit that Leia helped pick out and puts on a large shirt over it, along with some shorts.

They meet outside.

Ben's sporting black swimming trunks, like always, and a blue shirt. He sprays sunscreen all over himself. His pale skin is not used to the weather, and Rey often teases him for not being able to handle it. She was used to the sun's heat from back in Jakku, the town where the orphanage was located. She's thankful that there's a beautiful blue ocean to look at, instead of a hot, muggy wasteland.

Unlike her, Ben looks out of place and awkward in such a sunny, beautiful place. Rey finds it comical.

They walk towards the ocean, Rey takes off her shorts but leaves her shirt on, it's big enough to cover all of her and make her feel less exposed. Ben doesn't mind showing his skin and takes his shirt off. He's so pale and lean and Rey feels the familiar heat rush to her face and tries her hardest to keep her eyes away from him. She almost wants to tell him to put it back on, but she doesn't want him to know how much he affects her.

They reach the shore and Rey shivers as the cold water reaches her thighs, Ben doesn't mind the cold and jumps right in.

"Do we have to go far?" Rey asks as the water reaches her chest.

She's slightly panicked now. The realization of what they're about to do hitting her. She didn't know she had a fear of drowning until she stepped foot into the ocean. Sensing her rising panic and for once not being an asshole about it. Ben tells her they can stay at the shallow end for now.

"Alright, let's get started. Han taught me how to swim by throwing me into a pool," he recalls bitterly, "but let's go slowly."

Rey imagines a small Ben flailing around helplessly in a pool and her heart almost aches.

"Sorry," she says weakly.

"It's fine, Mom took over afterwards and made Han stay away," he says casually like it isn't a big deal, but Rey knows it does.

"First you need to feel comfortable floating." He instructs her.

"And what if I don't float? What if I sink?" she asks nervously.

Ben laughs at her and stops when he sees her glare.

"Sorry, but of course you can float. And if you start to sink or freak out, I'll be right here to catch you."

Rey saw nothing but sincerity in his dark eyes and she was once again astonished by her trust in him.

He wouldn't let anything happen to her.

"Okay. How do I start?" she asked determined to succeed.

"Let's start by having you float on you back. I'll keep my hands under you to help you," Ben said.

Rey took a deep breath and got closer to him.

Soon she was on her back floating with the slow waves. Ben's hands lightly touching her back. She could almost feel him through her thin shirt. The thought of his skin on hers gave her goosebumps. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing and not on how close Ben was.

"Look at that, you're a natural," said Ben.

Rey opened her eyes and watched him step away from her as she continued to float. She felt slightly disappointed at the distance, but she had to admit, floating in the water with the sun shining down on her was bliss.

Ben smiled down at her.

A small, but content smile that made Rey feel warm, almost like the sunshine on her skin.

From there, Ben had her sink her head down a couple times to get used to being underwater. Then she was floating on her stomach with her hands on his shoulders as she practiced kicking her feet as he walked through the water. Rey blushed at her hands on his bare skin. She wanted to kick herself for being so sensitive, but she focused on kicking her feet instead.

She was so distracted by her predicament that she didn't notice when Ben had started walking further into the sea, not until he started swimming with her hands still on his shoulders.

Panicking, she threw her arms around his neck, almost choking him. Her whole body pressed against his back as he kept her afloat. Her feet no longer found the ground. She might have felt embarrassed by climbing onto his back like a monkey, but she was too frazzled to care.

"What the hell are you doing!" she yelled at him.

"Calm down. I just want you to get used to the feeling. And you were doing well, you could probably swim if you wanted. But for now just hold on to me and practice what I taught you."

"Fine," grumbled Rey, "but warn me next time."

Ben rolled his eyes at her.

They stayed there for what felt like an hour but was probably less.

"We can come back tomorrow and you'll swim without my help," Ben told her as they made their way back to Luke's.

"It's too soon," Rey complained, although she wasn't mad at him.

"You'll be fine. And if you start to drown, I might be kind enough to save you," said Ben arrogantly, as if she should be grateful to him.

"I don't need to be saved," Rey pushed him and as he made an angry noise she ran from him towards the house laughing. He chased her, but she had already made it inside.

By the end of the week, Rey could swim without any help from Ben.

Ben was proud of her and Rey was happy to face her fears.

"Thank you," Rey told him one Sunday morning while they were making breakfast.

Normally Luke would make them breakfast while Rey made a grumpy Ben wake up, but on Sundays Luke went to the small church in town and stayed there till noon or later.

He ordered Ben to feed her and take care of her while he was away. Ben accepted while Rey complained that she could take care of herself.

"Just don't burn the house down while I'm not here," Luke half-jokingly said as he left that morning.

Rey ordered Ben to make her pancakes and Ben couldn't say no to her.

Ben was mixing ingredients while Rey sat on the counter and pretended to help. She really just stared at him as he struggled to figure out how much of the ingredients he needed. Rey figured this was the first time he was cooking something in his life and she enjoyed watching him fumble around.

Eventually, she gave him some tips and instructions so that he wouldn't ruin breakfast.

And then she thanked him.

"For what?" Ben questioned her as he dropped the pancake mix into the pan.

"For helping me learn to swim and for everything else," Rey admitted.

"What do you mean?" Ben asked confused.

Rey shrugged, feeing shy suddenly.

"I was pretty miserable before you got here," she admitted, "I never thought I'd actually be happy here."

Ben looked at her for a second too long then said, "So you're saying I make you happy."

Rey blushed and immediately regretted speaking.

"No I'm saying you make me less miserable," she stuttered out.

Ben laughed.

"It's okay. You make me happy too, kid." He said fondly.

Rey frowned, even though her heart lit up at his words.

"I am not a kid," she grumbled, "Oh and your pancakes are burning," she told him smugly.

"Shit!" Ben shouted.

Rey laughed at his incompetence.

"Next time, I'll do it, kid." she told him teasingly as he cleaned away the burned mess.

They eventually finished with enough unburned pancakes to eat, even though they were too thin. Rey thought they could do better next time.

Rey was so happy that there would be a next time.

 **Darkness falls without a sound**

 **They come tumbling down,**

 **Tumbling after, tumbling after**


	5. Kattering

**I wish that I had known in**

 **That first minute we met**

 **The unpayable debt**

 **That I owed you**

 **Kattering by The Antlers**

Ben spends the rest of the summer in a weird, blissful peace.

Luke helps him with his anger issues while Rey sticks by his side.

He never imagined that he would become so attached to a 12 year old girl, but Rey has become a constant presence in his life. And a wanted one.

She made him feel like he was better than what he was. Like he could be better.

She didn't treat him like he's unwanted or a wreck waiting to happen.

Leia calls him every couple days. Ben tries his best to not be bitter with her and when she says "I love you," he says it back. Rey and Luke smile behind his back.

Han calls him a couple times and Ben can't help but be spiteful. Ben ignores his calls every time. Luke tries to get him to talk to his father, but not even he can mend Ben's attitude.

Rey tries to speak to him about it, but she never pushes him or tries to change him. Ben loves that about her.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk to him? Maybe he wants to apologize and make things right," Rey says, as they walk down a crowded beach with ice cream cones in their hands.

The sun is blindingly bright as they watch families enjoying their vacations. Ben feels slightly envious as they watch happy couples with their rowdy children.

Rey's eyes are full of longing.

"Maybe one day when I'm 30 and all alone, I'll forgive him," Ben tells her half-jokingly.

"I hope you do," Rey tells him seriously and lets the subject drop.

Ben knows that Rey would do anything to have a father or a mother, so he tries not to scoff at her optimism. It's actually kind of charming that Rey still holds hope despite her not so happy life before Luke.

She tells him little things now and then about her time in the orphanage.

Stories about stupid fights that she had seen at the orphanage. About how the kids had to find ways to earn more food from Unkar Plutt to survive. Rey proudly states that she would find useless things at the junkyard and give it to Plutt so he could sell it.

"I would spend hours every single day looking for things… it wasn't that bad," Rey immediately says after seeing the anger in Ben's face.

"It was nice to have something to do," Rey shrugs indifferently.

Still, it angers Ben, but whenever he tells her that she should tell Luke about that asshole she refuses. What's worse is that Ben suspects Plutt was even worse than what Rey admits, but still she never tells Luke about it.

"It doesn't matter. You can't stop all the Unkar Plutts of the world and there are always worse places," she says in that weirdly wise way of her that Ben can't argue against.

Ben tries to stifle the anger. He hates imagining Rey hurt. Although he is almost honored that she chooses to reveal painful thing about herself to him. Things that people don't like to talk about. He feels closer to her than anyone else he has ever met.

It almost scares him.

But it also makes him incredibly happy.

Rey's ice cream melts under the sun's heat and runs down her hand slowly. She doesn't seem to mind and licks at the sticky white liquid running down her forearms without care. Ben noticed early on that Rey didn't much care to be anything but herself around him, even if that meant having no table manners.

She loved food and didn't mind shoving it down her throat or like now, licking melted ice cream of her body. Ben never minded, even if the snobby kids at his school would've called her a slob. However, watching her lick herself made him a little too uneasy. He couldn't help but wonder how her sweat tasted with the vanilla.

He couldn't help but want a taste.

Ben felt disgusted at himself, but he told himself it was just teenage hormones and nothing more. He used to think Rey was plain looking, but he was horribly wrong.

She was a beautiful girl, no doubt about it. Especially in the sunshine with her hair pulled away from her face and her mouth sticky with vanilla ice cream.

But she was younger than him and so innocent. And his cousin. Not by blood, but still his cousin.

Even if he couldn't bring himself to think of them as related. It was too weird. Ben would rather think of her as a friend. He's never really had one before. Just kids that he would sometimes do stupid things with when he got bored or wanted his parent's attention.

Rey was different.

Ben didn't want to ruin whatever they had. He didn't want her to look at him in disgust. So he kept those thoughts locked away in the farthest corners of his mind. Never to be opened.

Luke found it so strange how perfectly they all fit together. Especially Ben and Rey. He was almost concerned at how close they were with each other. He wanted them to be a family, but he didn't want them to become too dependent on each other.

Luke spent many years trying to figure out how his father fell from grace so disastrously and he felt like he had finally figured it out.

It was obsession.

Anakin's obsession with holding on to his wife. Sure, you may call it love, but if it led to madness then Luke didn't think it should be called that.

No, it was an obsession and eventually the jealousy and insecurity made his mind unravel until he fell apart completely and murdered his best friend and wife in a fit of rage.

Luke was fearful.

Fearful that this obsession that led to madness would carry on through the Skywalker bloodline like an illness.

He would see Ben's rage and his uncontrollable nature and Luke would become terrified of his future if he let the darkness continue to rule over him. So Luke decided that he would stop it before it became too late. He began guiding Ben. Making Ben join his meditation session and teaching him techniques to help his anger problem. Luke would talk him down when he became too reckless. Try to speak wisely to him, even when he refused to listen.

Then there was Rey.

Whenever she was around, Ben would let go of his darkness. Sure it was there on the surface and sometimes he fell back to his old self, but he would always come back to himself. She made him better and he made her smile.

Luke also noticed the way that Rey had begun to change over the summer. She was happier and the pain in her eyes would flicker out whenever Ben was next to her. Luke was especially thankful for that. He never wanted to see Rey like she had been in the beginning of her adoption. She was so depressed that Luke almost thought about getting her a therapist, but then she met Ben and Leia and she became alive.

Ben was protective of her and kind to her. Kinder than anyone else Luke had seen him talk to.

They had a connection that Luke didn't fully understand.

Luke loved them both, but deep inside he was afraid that it wouldn't be enough for Ben.

That with one wrong step, Ben would shatter and hurt everyone around him, including Rey.

The weeks go by too fast for Rey's liking and soon it's the beginning of August and Ben is set to leave soon.

She doesn't want him to go and a part of her senses his reluctance as well, although he makes crappy jokes about how he can't wait to leave. Rey can see his smile fade away as the days pass. He doesn't want to go. Rey selfishly wants herself to be the reason.

Stepping away from her sadness, she can't help but feel grateful.

This had been the best summer of her short life.

Probably the happiest time of her life if she's honest with herself.

Luke treats her like family, and Rey is astounded by it, but she soaks up his affection like a sponge. She even talks to Leia on the phone after her weekly phone calls to Ben, while Ben rolls his eyes at Rey's eagerness.

"She's my Mom Rey, go get your own," he whines without malice.

If Luke had heard him say that, Ben would have been reprimanded and made to apologize, but luckily Luke was cooking them breakfast and playing loud old music in the kitchen. It was a typical morning that Ben was already starting to miss. Luke being the adult and Rey and Ben being childish and honest. Ben wouldn't have it any other way.

"But she likes me the most," Rey tells him with a smile, trying to rile him on.

"You are such a brat. I can't believe my uncle thinks you're such an innocent little angel," Ben says with a smirk.

"Does that make you the devil?" Rey teases him.

Ben lunges at her and Rey squeals as he grabs her by the waist and throws her on the couch. She can't help but notice that his hands are surprisingly warm.

He tickles her until she's laughing so hard that she's gasping for air.

"I surrender," she gasps out loud.

Ben stops and his smile is so big that Rey is left breathless all over again.

"The devil always wins in the end," he tells her seriously.

They both start laughing at their ridiculousness.

They spend the rest of the day indoors, watching movies in the living room with Luke.

Ben and Rey share a cozy blanket and Rey rests her head on his shoulder when she starts getting tired.

Ben feels comfortably warm.

Luke insists on watching old black and white movies, and even though Ben complains and calls him an old man, he's doesn't really mind, especially with the way that Rey's eyes are transfixed on them. She had told him once that she never got to watch movies at the orphanage.

Ben was personally offended and promised her they would watch all the movies in existence. Well, at least the good ones.

Rey called him a liar and said it was impossible.

"I don't lie," said Ben.

Rey's face reddened and Ben figured it was just the heat.

Now they had spent countless days in Luke's living room with rented DVD's full of Ben's and Luke's favorite picks. Rey loved them all.

"It's like living another life," She said dreamily one night.

But sitting there with her and Luke made Ben realize that he didn't want another life.

He should've known his happiness wouldn't last.

Luke gets the call at 4 in the morning.

He groans at the sound, feeling the uncomfortable ache of his tiredness and old age as he sits up on his bed.

He had forced Rey and Ben to settle down and go to sleep before 2AM, but the kids where insatiable and kept him up for far too long.

Ben would be leaving in a couple days and even after telling both of them that they would visit each other during Christmas break they were still adamantly trying to spend every minute they had left together.

Luke had gone to bed tired, but strangely light and hopeful. He never imagined he would have a family before Leia and even now after so many years it still amazed him how having laughter and love in a house can make it feel like home. He had slept like the dead until he heard the phone ringing.

There's something about a phone ringing in the middle of the night that causes immediate panic through the confused haze of unconsciousness. Luke suddenly fees wide awake. Somehow he knows. He knows that everything is about to change.

Luke answers the phone, anxiety tightening his chest.

It's Leia.

And somehow he can tell.

He can feel it.

Something horrible has happened.

 **You made me sleep all uneven**

 **And I didn't believe them**

 **When they told me that there**

 **Was no saving you**


	6. Beautiful Disaster

**I'm sorry that I haven't uploaded. I've been sick for a week I still feel pretty crappy but I really wanted to post something and hopefully, I'll feel well enough this following week to write some more. For now, this will be a short chapter :(**

* * *

 **He drowns in his dreams**

 **An exquisite extreme I know**

 **He's as damned as he seems**

 **And more heaven than a heart could hold**

 **"Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson**

Ben is dreaming.

No, he's having a nightmare.

In this nightmare, Ben is in a large lake and the water is so dark and murky that he can't see what's below, but something is pulling him down. Something strong and hidden. It's clawing at him and holding him tightly.

He's drowning.

He tries to scream for help. Tries to yell for his mother or his father, but no words come out. He can see his family in the distance.

Luke, Leia, Han, and Rey. Hell, even Chewie is there. God knows that Han Solo was only ever truly loyal to Chewie. They were old war buddies. That meant more to Han Solo than his wife and son apparently, Ben thinks bitterly.

They were all laughing and happy. They look like a proper family. His parents danced while Ben gulped for air.

They all ignore him.

They are happy without him there.

He calls out one last time for his father.

He doesn't want to drown.

Suddenly, he's awake and gasping for air as Luke stands over him in his bedroom.

His father's name is still on the tip of his tongue.

There's a sadness in Luke's eyes as Ben sits up on his bed.

A hidden pain.

"What's wrong Uncle?"

* * *

Rey wakes up to screaming.

The kind of screaming that she would hear at the orphanage on nights when they had new kids come in. The kind of screaming that sounded like it came from a hurt animal. It was coming from Ben's room and Rey immediately gets up and runs to him.

Inside she finds Luke standing over a screaming Ben.

Rey is terrified.

"You're lying! You're fucking lying!" Ben screams at him.

He pushes his uncle away from him but Luke is stronger than he looks and doesn't budge.

From the doorway, Rey finally comes to her senses and asks what's wrong. Luke turns to her while Ben continues that awful screaming.

 _He's crying_ , Rey realizes.

Someone's dead.

Someone he loves.

Her heart aches. She wants to go to him, but before she can, Luke turns to her.

"Go to your room. I'll be there as soon as I can." Luke orders at her.

Rey stands there unsure. She looks at Ben who is falling apart right in front of her. He still won't look at her.

"But..."

"Go now!" Luke shouts. It's so commanding and strict that Rey can't help but listen to him. He had never shouted at her before. Rey didn't think Luke ever screamed at anyone. It just wasn't in his DNA, so Rey knew that she had to listen.

She walks back to her room feeling like she's in a dream. She sits down on her bed and she can hear Ben destroying his bedroom and Luke trying to call him down. She finally breaks and starts crying. She sits there while Ben screams and cries and Rey finally understands.

She finally understands what love his.

* * *

The drive to the airport is quiet.

Everything had been quiet since that awful night.

Luke had come into her bedroom after Ben's screams and cries had died down and told her what happened.

It was Han.

He got into a car accident while driving at night. He was heading into town. Most likely to see his son.

Rey hadn't stopped crying since Luke ordered her to her room.

Now he held her. The same way he did months ago when he told her that her family was dead.

But this time it was different. This time Luke cried as well. This time Rey hugged him back.

When the sun rose, Luke made a simple breakfast for them. Ben didn't leave his room and Rey didn't have much of an appetite. Luke told her to go pack some clothes. They would be heading to a plane soon that would take them to the city. Leia had planned everything already. She wanted them all to meet in the city and have the funeral later that week.

Rey didn't ask any questions. Even if she wanted to go into Ben's room and make sure he was okay. But she already knew that he wasn't.

So she just nodded and did as she was told.

When she came back out she was carrying her old suitcase. The one that she had brought from the orphanage.

She saw Ben sitting on the couch, his suitcase next to his feet. Luke was gone, probably getting his own suitcase ready.

Ben didn't move when he heard her. Didn't lift his head or look at her.

Rey was drawn to him like a tragic car wreck on the highway.

She sat down next to him.

Still, he would say anything.

Rey studied his face.

Tired, empty eyes, Pale face. Messy hair. He looked devoid of all emotion. Half-dead.

And then she saw his hands. They were wrapped in bandages probably to hide his bloody knuckles from the rampage he threw last night. Rey heard him punch the wall and everything else in his room.

Tentatively, she reached for his damaged hand.

He didn't shy away from her which Rey took as a win.

"I'm not going to say sorry, because that doesn't really help," Rey tells him gently.

She grips his hand and he closes his eyes, but he grips her back tightly so Rey knows he's still in there. Still listening.

"But I will tell you that I'll be there for you through everything. Even if you don't want me too. I won't let you feel alone. I'm still here."

Ben opens his eyes and she can finally see the pain he holds. The sadness. She wants to hug him, but he looks too fragile, too close to breaking again.

She holds his hand all the way to the airport.

 **He's soft to the touch**

 **But frayed at the end he breaks**

 **He's never enough**

 **And still he's more than I can take**

 **Oh 'cause I don't know**

 **I don't know what he's after**

 **But he's so beautiful**

 **Such a beautiful disaster**

* * *

Sorry for the short chapter and sorry if it made some of you sad, but I just feel like it's something that has to happen and that Ben needs to go through Han's death.

Also, thank you so much for all the likes and reviews ya'll leave me. I appreciate them so much and without them, I would have no motivation.


	7. I Need My Girl

**I am so tired, but I felt guilty about not posting anything so I forced myself to upload. I didn't really edit or proofread much so this chapter might be messy. Sorry, but I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

 **I am good, I am grounded**

 **Davy says that I look taller**

 **But I can't get my head around it**

 **I keep feeling smaller and smaller**

 **I need my girl**

 **I need my girl by The National**

The summer leaves swiftly, along with Han Solo.

The fatal car accident had immediately been splattered on news headlines much to Rey's disgust. She couldn't understand how so many people tried to stick their noses where they don't belong. She saw reporters near the funeral, although Leia hired security to keep them away. They even showed up near Leia's house until Luke had security escort them away. Luke was absolutely livid, Leia was close to tears. Ben just kept the same disinterested demeanor.

The funeral was surprisingly small for a man that seemed to live such a grand life, but Leia said she wanted to keep things private. Only family and close friends. Rey doesn't pay attention to any of them. She just sticks by Ben's side and Luke sticks by Leia's. One of Han's oldest and best friend, nicknamed Chewie, hugs Leia and starts sobbing on her shoulder. Leia pats his bearded face sweetly. Rey is once more amazed by how strong Leia is. Strong and comforting and kind. Rey wished her own mother would have been like Leia if she was alive, but Rey would never know.

The funeral makes Rey want to cry, but Ben seems to look past everything and everyone, even her. That hurts her more than she would admit, but she couldn't blame him.

Luke and Rey stay with the remaining Solo's for a week, before Rey has to go back to school. She already missed the first day.

Leia's and Ben's house is huge, and clean, and cold. Rey doesn't go outside. She stays with Ben in his room even when he's sleeping or quiet or angry.

"I'm glad he's dead. He can't ever lie and say he'll stay anymore," Ben tells her quietly.

Rey knows he's lying.

She helps Leia around the house. She watches Leia breakdown after she finds something that reminds her of Han. It makes Rey want to cry too.

They leave too soon and Rey makes Ben promise her that he'll call her. He does. Although he doesn't talk much at first. He just listens to her ramble about her new school and the crappy teachers that treat the children like they're stupid.

Rey was surprisingly nervous about going to school. Ben snorts at her and tells her she'll be fine. Rey doesn't think he understands.

In a small town like hers, it seemed like everyone knew each other. But she was new. She didn't think there was space for her to fit in, but then she found the other two new kids at school.

She talks to Ben excitedly about the nice girl she meets named Rose and a boy named Finn. Finn had recently moved into town with his mother for a "fresh start", Rey didn't bother asking what that meant. Rose and her older sister had moved in with their aunt recently, although Rose didn't mention why her parents weren't in the picture. Rey told her it was okay, her parents were gone too. Rose had hugged her. Now all three of them were friends.

"I think they have a crush on each other," she absentmindedly says one boring Sunday night as she's getting ready to go to bed.

"How can you tell?" Ben asks amused by her middle school melodrama.

"Well, Rose blushes like crazy when Finn gets close to her and Finn rambles like a fool whenever she smiles at him," Rey says lazily.

"It's sweet and slightly nauseating," Rey admits.

Ben laughs at her and Rey feels proud of herself for getting a laugh from him.

"Yeah, I bet… but one day it'll be you who's being hopelessly, annoyingly in love with someone." Ben says teasingly.

Suddenly Rey's heart is in her throat and she feels like she's chocking on it.

 _It's too late_ , she wants to say.

 _I'm already hopelessly, annoyingly in love with someone._

Instead, she clears her throat awkwardly.

"That's doubtful. I'm too cool for romance," she says trying to sound clever and not like a nervous wreck.

That earns her a chuckle from Ben and she calls it a night.

Rose and Finn become a regular topic of conversation for Rey. She grows to love them fiercely. Their kindness and their funny quirks. And they love her. Tragic past and dark humor and all of Rey's imperfection and insecurities.

"I guess you don't need me," Ben says sourly one night after hearing Rey ramble on about a school trip with Rose and Finn, and how excited she is to see the science museum, despite all her classmates' complaints.

"Don't be stupid. I'll always need you."

 _I love you_ , she wants to say, but she can't.

It will ruin everything.

* * *

Ben calls her at 3 in the morning.

The phone cuts through the peaceful night, only beach waves are heard through Rey's window.

Rey panics and rushes to answer it.

She already knows it's him somehow, and if Luke catches her on the phone at this hour he would take away her pone privileges away which she had begged for.

"Ben, what the hell?" Rey asks grumpily.

She hears Ben's responding laugh through the phone.

"It's almost 4 AM," Rey whispers angrily, "and we both have school tomorrow."

Ben would occasionally call her at around midnight and usually Rey cold tell that he was having trouble sleeping or he was having nightmares, so Rey would stay up with him until she passed out. It was probably Rey's favorite time. Hearing Ben's quiet voice as she drifted off to sleep. She could close her eyes and imagine him next to her.

But he would never call her so late.

"I'm sorry!" Ben shouts through the phone. That's when Rey realize that there was a muffling noise coming from the phone as well, as if Ben was inside a room and there was loud music outside.

"I just … missed you," Ben told her, that's when Rey noticed a slight slurring in his speech.

Rey closed her eyes. Annoyed and disappointed.

"Ben, are you drunk?" Rey asks him, already knowing the answer.

Ben laughs again.

"You know me so well," he tells her instead.

Rey groans.

"Where are you? Who are you with? Please go home," Rey tells him worriedly.

She would scream at him tomorrow when he would regret this, but Rey was worried now.

"You're talking too fast… and you sound like my mom," Ben complained loudly.

Rey closed her eyes.

She could almost imagine him.

"I don't know where I am, Hux told me to come, and Leia isn't home… so I figured why not go out there, act like a real teenager," Ben slurs.

"Where's Leia?' Rey asks him quietly, making sure that she couldn't hear Luke's footsteps.

Ben laughed again, but it sounded angry.

Sharp and spiteful.

"There's a storm down South, so she decided to go take her soldiers and save the people. She said she would have some new nanny come over tomorrow until she came back next week… If she comes back. Maybe the storm will sweep her away. Then I'd really be an orphan like you," Ben says amused.

Rey feels a sting in her heart, his words never hurt before, but somehow she felt hurt by his drunk nonsense.

Rey knew that by "soldiers" Ben meant Leia's numerous non-profit organizations and their brave volunteers. Rey had also heard of the storm from the news, it was the kind of project Leia would give herself to. It was a big one… and Rey did not like how Ben could make a joke about losing his mother.

"That doesn't matter. You shouldn't go out and get yourself wasted," Rey said scathingly.

"And who's Hux?"

"He's an asshole," Ben says simply.

"Go home Ben," Rey says seriously.

"I don't have a home, Rey. I wish you were here," he says sadly. Rey wished she was there too. Rey wished she could hug him and punch whoever that Hux guy was that resulted in Ben getting drunk.

"It's all my fault," Ben says hopelessly, all the drunken laughter and carelessness completely forgotten.

"What is?" Rey asks worriedly.

"I killed him. And now Mom can't even look at me. She hates me," Ben admits quietly.

Rey knows that he's talking about his father.

"First of all, your mother loves you no matter what and she could never, ever hate you. You're her son. Secondly, Ben you did not kill your father. It was an accident and no one could have stopped it. It's not your fault," Rey says as gently as she can. She feels like her heart is breaking. She wonders if that's how Ben feels too.

"He was only driving to Luke's because I refused to talk to him. I can't even remember what the last thing I said to him was. Probably something petty and hateful." Ben slurs angrily.

Rey can sense the pain hiding under his anger. He was angry at himself. He missed his father.

"Your father loved you and he knew you cared about him despite everything. He made mistakes too, but he would never want you to blame yourself for this," Rey said trying to comfort him. She wished she was there with him.

"You are too damn good to me," Ben says tiredly.

 _I love you_ , Rey wants to say. But the words refuse to come out.

"You are good to me too Ben Solo," she says softly.

"Please go home. Don't make me wake up Luke. Then we are both screwed," Rey says trying to reason with him.

Ben sighs.

"Fine, I'll call a cab. You don't have to worry about me. Go to sleep. You have school tomorrow, kid," Ben says trying to act soberly.

Rey rolls her eyes at the "Kid" part. She was starting to hate that nickname.

"Call me tomorrow," Rey orders.

"You are so bossy," Ben says, but Rey can tell that he's okay. At least for now.

Ben does call her the next day and he apologizes.

They don't bring up Han Solo.

 **There's some things that I should never**

 **Laugh about in front of family**

 **I'll try to call you from the party**

 **It's full of punks and cannonballers**

 **I need…**

* * *

I decided to rush forward through the funeral because Han's death is something that will be affecting Ben in the long run, but I also want him to have some happy moments, so I decided to rush through certain parts. There will be so much angst in future chapters, oh man. Get ready.


	8. Dust to Dust

**This is absolutely one of my favorite songs ever. Figuring out where to cut off chapters are so hard. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Next chapter will be longer, however, I won't be uploading soon, so please wait patiently.**

* * *

 **It's not your eyes**

 **It's not what you say**

 **It's not your laughter that gives you away**

 **You're just lonely**

 **You've been lonely, too long**

 **Dust to Dust by The Civil Wars**

Autumn days grow slightly colder in her beloved beach town and before Rey realizes, Christmas break is approaching.

Luke and Rey get ready to leave. They are going to visit Leia and Ben for Christmas, and Rey is ecstatic, although she knows she will miss Rose and Finn like crazy. Even though it's been such a short time since she's met them, she still feels an ache in her chest at the thought of separating. She promises souvenirs when she returns and lots of hugs.

This Christmas would be so different from all others. She never really celebrated before. Holidays used to be another day to remind her of how alone she was, but not anymore. This will be her first Christmas celebrating with people that she loves, and that seem to love her back.

Even Luke gets some of his cheerfulness back as they pack for the city. Rey knew that if it wasn't for her, he would've stayed with Leia a lot longer after the funeral, but now he'll get to see her again. Rey hopes that it will help the slight gloom that Luke had been under ever since. And she hopes that Leia and Ben are doing better.

From the small conversation that Ben had provided, they had been slightly on auto pilot since the funeral. Just going through the motions. Leia busy with the countless organizations that she runs and Ben going to school despite hating it. Although, Ben has told her that he hasn't gotten into any fights at school, but Rey just thinks that he's been too sad and quiet to piss anyone off lately.

Ben likes to tell her that he's doing fine, but Rey knows better.

Thankfully, there are no more drunken phone calls from Ben. A part of Rey is worried on nights when he doesn't call her. Is he out there getting up to no good? Or is he asleep in his own bed? Rey tries not to worry.

Leia had even decided to take some time off from work for the holidays, which seemed to elevate Ben's mood. Rey knew that Leia didn't blame him for everything that went wrong and hopefully Ben was starting to see that. Rey was hopeful that things would get better.

Rey knows that this Christmas will be hard on everyone because of Han's passing and she wishes for the thousandth time that she had gotten the chance to meet him. From the stories she heard about him, he sounded like someone special and hard to forget. Either stupidly fearless or secretly brilliant. Or maybe, somehow, both.

Luke buys her extra scarves and heavy sweaters, despite Rey's insistence that her normal sweaters would do.

"I'm not too fond of snow," Luke admits.

When Rey asks why, Luke just says he has bad memories of it, but doesn't elaborate.

Once they land at the airport Rey sees snowflakes floating down from her window view. She's at once grateful for Luke's thoroughness. It's the first time that she's ever seen real snow before and not just in pictures or movies. Rey decides that she loves it, despite her frozen fingers.

They make their way through a busy and crowded airport and into a black car that was waiting on them before they arrived.

"Leia does too much," Luke grumbles as they settle into the warm and shiny car, "a taxi would've been fine."

Rey disagrees.

There's something particularly exciting about driving through the city with its tall building and pretty lights in a car that's worth more than Rey's life probably.

It takes them a couple hours to make it to Leia's house.

Although house is too small a word for Rey.

It so much larger than Rey's small beach house.

 _Too big for two people_ , Rey thinks.

Last time Rey didn't bother exploring since she spent most of her time in Ben's room, but she thinks that she'll try exploring the rest of the bedrooms and little crooks that reside inside the two story building that towers over her.

Once they get there, the front door opens revealing Leia and Ben.

Leia looks as beautiful as the first time Rey saw her, but Rey can see there's sadness in the corner of her eyes.

Luke and Leia hug tightly and Rey pretends she doesn't see Leia wipe away a stray tear. Then Leia goes to her and gathers her in her arms.

Rey is instantly warmed from the cold. She hugs Leia fiercely, trying to convey her love through her actions. She thinks that Leia understands.

Then Rey sees Ben towering over his mother, just like the first time she saw him. He wears a black knit sweater with black jeans which is just so like Ben that it makes Rey smile. Ben smiles back, perhaps not has bright as it once was, but still perfect to Rey.

The only difference is that now he looks even paler and slightly skinnier. Rey wants to take him somewhere sunny and feed him until he looks more alive.

"You got taller," Ben says surprised.

"You did too," Rey says bitterly. She wished he could stop growing until she could catch up, but that's not how it worked. She was still a child.

She hugs him tightly. She can feels his ribs through her sweater and she can smell his cologne. He hugs her back and Rey wills her blush away. His fingers stroke her hair a couple times before he lets her go and Rey almost melts.

She wants to slap herself for acting like a stupid little girl with a crush, but she can't stop herself. Ben feels like home. Warm and familiar.

Luke hugs Ben after they separate and Ben looks like a lost child as he clings to his uncle.

It's funny, when Rey thinks about it.

When Luke had first adopted her, she felt no hope, no comfort. She didn't believe that she could have met these people around her and call them family, she thought family was blood, but she was the last of her bloodline. She was all alone. But standing there looking at the people around her, she finally felt at home.

Leia urges them in from the cold as Ben takes her and Luke's bags. Even the Christmas decorations inside the house look artfully and professionally done. Rey looks around the house in amazement. One of the biggest Christmas trees stands in the living room decorated with delicate glass and gold ornament. It's beautiful. So beautiful and perfect that Rey is too afraid to go near and ruin it.

Once Rey finishes staring at the pretty lights and decorations around the house, Ben drags her to his bedroom. Luke and Leia stay downstairs finishing up dinner and making hot chocolate. Ben mentions that Leia had been slaving away in the kitchen all day trying to make everything perfect.

Apparently the only room in the house not decorated was Ben's, much to Rey's disappointment. She wasn't surprised though, she only let out a dissatisfied groan as she looked around Ben's room.

It was way bigger than hers, and had its own bathroom.

The walls were a light grey with heavy dark curtains covering the windows. Ben's bed was bigger as well and Rey remembered how incredibly soft his sheets were.

"What's it like growing up in this gigantic house?" Rey asks without meaning too.

"I don't know, maybe I'll buy you one one day so you'll know how it feels," Ben says teasingly.

Rey snorted.

Ben smiled.

"You know I probably could," Ben says semi-seriously.

"I don't need much to make me happy," Rey says staring at him.

Suddenly Rey realizes that she's alone with Ben in his bedroom.

Alone.

Ben lays down lazily on his bed and waits for her to join.

Last time she had laid down next to him, Rey hadn't been nervous at all. He was hurting from his father's death and she needed to be there for him. But now… her face felt warm and there were knots forming in her stomach. And as Ben looked at her, she realized how much she missed his face.

Ben frowned at her.

"You look kinda red, do you want to take your coat off?" Ben asked worriedly.

Rey felt like she was going to pass out.

She wanted to smack herself over her head.

This was not the time to act like an idiotic girl with a stupid crush. She was better than that. Besides, Ben was her friend. Technically, Ben was family.

She cleared her throat.

"Yeah, Luke made me wear layers."

Rey took off her coat and sat next to him.

In front of his bed was a large TV.

"Can we watch Christmas movies?" Rey asks him innocently.

Ben groans.

"Do we have to?" he asks annoyed.

"Please? I've never seen a lot of them. They were never allowed in my old place." She already knows that he'll say yes to her. He never tells her no.

Ben looks away from her.

"Fine, but I get to pick which ones," Ben says begrudgingly.

Rey smiles triumphantly.

They watch Home Alone (Ben says it's a classic) until they get called down for dinner.

They sit down in a gigantic table that is way too large for the four of them but Rey doesn't mind. She loves these people and she doesn't need anyone else there. Leia tells them all about the Christmas plans for the next week and Rey makes sure that Ben eats all his dinner. She even sneaks in a couple more servings into his plate while he's not looking. She was going to make it her goal to fatten him up before she had to leave.

Ben is quieter than after his father's passing, but Rey doesn't mind. She can talk enough for the both of them. And she does. She tells Leia all about her school and classes and her new friends. She tries her hardest to make Leia smile and she even gets a laugh out of Ben. Luke smiles at her cheerfulness.

They watch Home Alone 2 after dinner. Their bellies are full and Rey is so full of love she thinks she will explode. She never had anyone to celebrate Christmas with before. She was always alone. At some point she had accepted her loneliness. She carried it around with her like an old, beaten up doll. Then she met Luke, and Leia, and Ben. She let her past go.

She would never be alone again.

Rey starts crying near the end of the movie.

She can feel Ben starring at her. He doesn't make fun of her. He doesn't ask her why she's crying. He already knows.

Instead, he reaches over and holds her hand.

Rey stops crying.

 **You're like a mirror reflecting me**

 **Takes one to know one, so take it from me**

 **You've been lonely**

 **You've been lonely**

 **Too long**

 **We've been lonely**

 **We've been lonely, too long**

* * *

 **Sorry if this chapter is a little too fluffy. I feel like everyone has seen Home Alone lol so I didn't really explain why it made Rey cry. I remember how sad and lonely the second one makes me feel every Christmas.**

 **Thank you you guys so much for all the lovely reviews and likes. They honestly make me so happy.  
**


	9. Arsonist's Lullaby

**I wasn't sure if I should continue this story but I did have this chapter mostly written so I figured why not post it. I am really sorry that I haven't posted in a long ass time but when writer's block hits you. It hits hard. I haven't edited this so I'm sorry if it sucks.**

 **Also there will be some violence against Rey in this chapter and violence overall so I'm sorry of you don't like that. Don't worry though, it's not as bad as it could be.  
**

* * *

 **When I was a child, I heard voices**

 **Some would sing and some would scream**

 **You'll soon find you have few choices**

 **I learned the voices died with me**

 **Arsonist's Lullaby by Hozier**

Leia has the whole holiday break scheduled already.

First on the list is Christmas shopping which resulted in continuous groaning from Ben and Luke. However, that won't stop Leia.

She wakes everyone up early the next day with the promise of pancakes and coffee.

"It's a trap," Ben tells Rey as they go down the stairs together. His eyes are still drowsy with the last remnants of sleep, but he smiles softly at Rey and she feels something tighten in her chest.

Rey was sleeping in one of the spare bedroom on Ben's hallway.

The fact that Ben had a whole hallway and multiple rooms to himself baffled Rey, but she wasn't complaining. She was happy to be near him. Not that she would ever admit it.

"She's getting you comfortable and then she's going to make us carry all her shopping bags until our feet bleed," Ben warns her.

Rey rolled her eyes at him.

"I think you're being a little dramatic," Rey said teasingly. There was no way he was right. No one shops that long or that much.

 _Right?_

Rey was horribly wrong.

Leia made sure everyone had a filling breakfast and then when the final pancake was eaten she rushed everyone upstairs and told them to get dressed.

"We just need to get to the mall early before it gets too full," Leia said excitedly.

Rey felt nothing but dread, but if it would make Leia happy, Rey would gladly suffer.

By noon, Rey started feeling blisters come through her boots and a headache form in the back of her skull.

For the what feels like the thousandth time, she feels weirdly disconnected and confused by her situation. She often feels that way when she's around Leia. At times, Rey can't believe that this is her life. Stuck in a busy mall all day, as Leia Organa practically buys the whole place.

Leia had a long list of people to get gifts for. From distant friends and relatives to workers and volunteers. Leia wanted to give everyone something perfect which led to going to so many stores that Rey lost count.

Leia even started buying toys to donate to children hospitals. She was unstoppable.

"She's like a modern-day Santa Clause," Ben complained to Rey as they took a break and sat down outside a toy store.

"Your mother is amazing, but I don't think I can make it any further," Rey complained semi-seriously.

"I won't say I told you so, but I am awfully tempted," Ben told her.

"Don't." Rey warned.

Ben stood up and looked at Rey's tired hunched up form.

"Let's take a break. I'll buy us some coffee or hot chocolate for you,"

"I'll take coffee," Rey said offended. She wasn't a baby.

"Fine, stay here. I'll go tell them," Ben hauled up the shopping bags at their feet like they were nothing. Rey had struggled to carry half off them. Ben hadn't broken a sweat, but still Rey had stubbornly refused to let him carry all of them.

Ben handed them off to Luke and Leia, and promised them that they wouldn't wander off too far. Although Rey wouldn't mind getting lost with him.

They make their way through the horrible crowds of Christmas shoppers. Rey locks her hand around Ben's arm and holds on to him as they walk quickly. She tells herself that it's only so they won't get separated by crazy shoppers, but it's mostly because she wants to and she's not so good at telling herself no.

"So, who's Hux?" Rey not so subtly asked him as they walked towards a crowded Starbucks. She had been dying to ask him, but too afraid he would ignore her or get upset.

Ben glared at the ground.

"He's no one," He said gruffly.

"So you got drunk with no one?" Rey asks angrily.

Ben groaned.

"He's just a guy from school. We aren't even friends. I just hang out with him when I'm bored. His family is filthy rich and that somehow makes him think that we're on the same league or something. It's not a big deal. And I haven't hung out with him since," Ben assured her.

Rey relented.

Ben opened the door towards the coffee shop and they wait in a long line before ordering. Ben asks for a plain black coffee, Rey picks the most sugary and aggressively Christmassy drink they have. Ben disappointedly shakes his head at her.

They wait awkwardly for a moment.

"Fine, I'm sorry I'm kind of overreacting… but I just worry about you," She admitted.

"You don't have to," Ben said shyly.

"I care about you, worrying is kind of a side effect," Rey says, trying not to sound like a lovestruck idiot.

Ben ruffles Rey's hair from it's neat pony tail.

Rey ducks her head trying to get away.

"You are too damn sweet," Ben said wistfully.

Rey elbowed him.

"I am not," she says, offended.

"You will be once you drink that monstrosity," Ben says signaling to her order.

"Let's get back before uncle Luke gets buried in shopping bags," Ben says seriously as they take their drinks.

Rey gets through half her sugary drink before stealing Ben's cup. It was way too sweet for Rey's taste buds. She preferred Ben's. Ben frowns at her, but doesn't say anything. He takes her monstrosity of a drink instead and takes a sip. Rey can tell he prefers the sweetness, she teases him about it all the way back.

He lets her.

* * *

Rey should have known that her happiness wouldn't last long.

After Leia finally finished her Christmas list, they had headed back to the house to rest, but the day wasn't over yet.

Leia had gotten them reservations for some fancy restaurant in town.

"I don't usually cook much when I'm home," Leia says sheepishly.

"You should've said so. I'll make dinner tomorrow," Luke added sternly.

"I don't want to bother you Luke,"

"No! Please save me from her cooking Uncle," Ben said dramatically.

Leia glared at him but didn't defend herself.

Rey giggled and Luke smiled.

They put on some of their best clothes. Rey had brought over a couple dresses, although she wasn't really the kind of girl that should wear nice things. She always got clothes dirty or torn somehow, but she was going to suck it up for tonight. She didn't want to embarrass herself in front of Leia or Ben.

Rey took off her hair tie and brushed the tangles off her hair. Then she decided on a nice flowy, black dress with long sleeves along with black tights and boots to keep the cold away. Nice, but comfortable.

Leia already had a nice black car waiting for them outside.

On the way there, Rey looked out the window as they passed by buildings and stores and busy streets as Leia explained where they were heading.

"We've been going there for years. Probably before Ben was born. Han would drive all the way there and get take out for me when I was too pregnant to go myself," Leia explained wistfully.

"Awwwww," Rey said awed at the gesture.

"Gross," Ben muttered next to her.

Maz's restaurant was like nothing that Rey had ever seen.

It was located in an old, yet beautiful looking building. The kind of building that withstood storms and wars and time.

"It's so…" Rey tried to come up with a word for it but couldn't.

"Old," Ben said next to her

"Timeless," Leia said afterwards.

"Cool," Rey said instead.

Inside, it was the opposite.

It was modern, but warm.

Fancy, but not overly dramatic like Rey had feared. All the decorations in the restaurant looked handmade, but beautifully crafted.

It was amazing.

Fairy lights hung from the ceiling and in the middle of the great restaurant was a gorgeous water fountain made of marble and bronze.

Rey was awed.

Thankfully, it also wasn't as crowded as Rey had expected so she wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable or shy.

Leia gave her name to the front hostess and they were immediately seated to a beautiful wooden table with comfortable chairs.

As soon as they sat down a short, older woman charged out of the kitchen door with the ferocity of a warrior. Leia stands up to greet her and Rey suddenly remembers why she looked so familiar. She had been at Han's funeral.

Her name was Maz Kanata. And now Rey felt stupid, Ben had told her they were going to Maz's restaurant. Rey simply thought that was the name of it, not the name of the owner as well.

Rey remembers her huge glasses and her strong and confident voice from the funeral. She had cursed out some paparazzi that got too close. She was the kind of woman that probably had no regrets in life and lived a life full of adventures and wonder. Rey was almost jealous, but moistly scared.

Maz sat down with them while they ordered, well more like Maz told them what they would love and ordered for them. Rey didn't mind. Ben rolled his eyes at her eccentrics, but he accepted that she knew best.

"This one is getting so tall that soon he won't fit in here," Maz told Leia pointing at Ben.

"Nothing seems to stop it, my baby boy is growing up," Leia said teasingly.

Rey saw Ben's ears go red.

She smiled.

Then she stopped smiling when Maz turned her eyes towards her.

Rey could see her own reflection in Maz's glasses.

"I am glad Luke managed to find you. It's what Old Ben would have wanted," she said wistfully.

Rey almost choked.

"You… knew my grandfather?"

Maz laughed. Loud and free.

"I'm older than I look, child. I know much more than I should. I even knew his grandfather," Maz said tipping her head towards Ben who looked curious as well.

"But they are both gone now, just like poor Han and soon it'll be my time," Maz said wisely.

"Do me a favor though," she said calmly looking at both Ben and Rey who had sat beside each other.

"Be better. Both of you."

"Now, that's enough Maz," Luke said calmly but firmly, "You're scaring them, and you still have a lot of fight left in you. We all do."

"But first, can I take a look at your wine list?" Leia asked trying to lighten the mood.

It somewhat worked and soon the adults were sharing a drink while Ben and Rey quietly sipped some soda.

"I swear she's more senile every time I see her," Ben whispered in her ear.

Rey saw Maz glaring at him afterwards which probably meant she somehow heard his remark.

Rey laughed.

Ben smiled.

Rey felt that everything would be alright.

* * *

"Please! We won't be gone long and it's right next door," Rey begged Luke.

Luke sighed.

"Or you can wait until we are done and we can all go together."

Rey pouted and gave him a sad look.

Ben gave her questioning look, but said nothing.

"Luke its fine, Ben goes next door every time I come here to visit," Leia said reassuringly.

"I'll make sure to look after her. I won't let her out of my sight," Ben promised him despite his own confusion

Luke finally gave in. Partly because of the wine, partly because he didn't like saying no to Rey.

"Fine," Luke said begrudgingly, "I've been outnumbered. Just be back in 30 minutes," Luke said as Leia ordered desert and more wine.

"Thank you," Rey said brightly and then she quickly grabbed Ben's arm and dragged him out the restaurant before Luke could change his mind.

"What are you up to Rey? I do love a good read, but I didn't know you were dying to visit a bookstore," Ben questioned her outside.

Rey rolled her eyes.

"I lied."

"Well, duh. But why?"

"We're not going there. I saw another store down the street on our way here. It's some old antique store and I saw a perfect gift for Leia, but we have to go now before we're too late," Rey explained.

She saw the prettiest necklace on the window display and it would look perfect on Leia. And Rey wanted to make her happy. She had saved up her allowance to buy her something perfect. Rey needed to make this a good Christmas for her.

Ben frowned.

"We promised we were going to the book store next door," he said stubbornly.

Rey rolled her eyes.

"Right, because you always listen to your mother,"

Ben groaned.

"Fine, but let's go quickly. If they find out, I'm throwing you under the bus," Ben said sternly.

"You're my knight in shining armor," Rey said sarcastically, but she was ecstatic.

They made it there faster than expected and Rey could actually afford the necklace. Probably because Luke gave her way too much money, but she wasn't going to complain.

She hid it in her pocket and they took their time walking back.

It was a beautiful night, although it was getting colder and Rey was angry with herself for not bringing her coat.

But she didn't really care, Ben looked better than he had the day before.

Happier.

"We might as well pass by that bookstore. There's a spiritual lifestyle section and I think I could buy something there for Luke," Ben said.

His long legs carried him ahead of her and before she could agree, an arm grabbed her from behind, covering her mouth and pulling her further away from Ben.

Rey tried to scream, but it sounded more like muffled sounds.

Someone was dragging her away.

Rey panicked.

She froze.

By the time she realized she should fight back, her captor had pushed her inside a dark alley between some buildings that Rey hadn't even noticed before.

He let her go, but before she could scream out for Ben, the man holding her pressed something towards her neck.

He had a knife.

A knife that he was holding right to her neck.

"Let's not make this any harder than it needs to be," a rough voice told her.

It was so dark, but she could finally see her captor.

It was a tall man dressed in all black. He was wearing a mask but she could still smell his breath.

Like alcohol and cigarettes and bad life choices.

"I'll take all your money and whatever you bought from that store,"

Rey felt tears gather in her eyes.

She was afraid. And angry that she was afraid. Angry that she let this happen to her. She shouldn't have allowed this to happen to her, but she was so careless and happy with Ben.

With shaking hands she tried to reach into her pocket, but before she could, the man grabbed her arm roughly and reached towards her pocket instead. At least he took his knife away from her and put it in his pocket so he could steal from her instead.

"Don't move," he ordered.

He held her arm so tight, it started throbbing.

She tried to get away from him anyways. That necklace didn't belong to him, it was meant for Leia.

Rey managed to get out of his grip but she heard her dress sleeve rip in the process. Somehow that made her even angrier. Before she could take a step away from him, he slapped her. His heavy hand striking her so harshly she nearly fell backwards.

But she stood her ground despite the red hot pain burning against her check and the dizziness that had taken a hold as she tried to shake off the pain. She wouldn't show him how much that hurt.

She never showed weakness at the orphanage. She would take the pain and swallow it. But she wasn't an orphan anymore, and she hadn't been hurt like this in so long.

Rey hated it.

She stopped struggling, but she glared at him through her tears.

She let him rummage through her pockets.

The feeling of a stranger's hand on her body made her want to vomit.

Once he got what he wanted he shoved her on the ground.

"You don't need this anyways. You're just another rich bitch. Your mommy and daddy will give you more," he taunted nastily as he gathered her cash and Leia's necklace.

He turned to run away.

But he couldn't.

Someone was standing in his way.

Ben.

Ben, who was looking absolutely furious. Rey didn't know someone could look so enraged. She could feel his eyes scan over her. Making sure she was okay.

Then he lunged towards the thief.

 **When I was 16, my senses fooled me**

 **Thought gasoline was on my clothes**

 **I knew that something would always rule me**

 **I knew this scent was mine alone**

Ben almost kills him.

He can hear Rey's voice, but she sounds so far away.

All Ben can focus on is his fist connecting to this bastard's face.

Again and again and again.

All he can picture is Rey. Being pushed on the dirty concrete. Her sleeve torn and her cheek red and bruising. Hurt and in tears. And it's all Ben's fault.

He hadn't noticed at first.

When she was taken away from him. He was distracted. Talking about some silly nonsense, he can't even remember. Then he turned when he realized she was too quiet. She was gone.

Ben panicked.

Then he started looking down every alley, every nearby street. Thankfully she wasn't far away.

He heard the thief's scathing remarks as he shoved her to the ground.

Then he saw her.

Then he lost it.

"BEN! Ben please!"

Ben caught his breath.

"Ben! Stop!"

Two small hands grabbed his arm.

Ben stopped punching the man below him. He let Rey drag him away from the almost unconscious body.

"Ben, please. That's enough," Rey told him gently. As if she was trying not to scare him. But shouldn't she be afraid of Ben? Ben was afraid of himself. Of what he had almost done.

 _What if Rey hadn't been there to stop him?_

There was blood on his hands.

Rey was still holding on to him. Pulling him away from the groaning mess on the ground.

"Are you okay?" Ben asked desperately.

He turned to look at her. To really look at her.

Tears streamed down her face. Her hair was a mess and there was a bruise slowly forming on her cheek.

Ben's heart clenched painfully.

"My dress is ruined," Rey said sadly looking at her torn sleeve and the dirt now stamped on it.

Ben would have laughed if they weren't in this situation. He didn't give a damn about her dress. He cared about the person in it.

"I'll buy you a new one. Hell, I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe," he promised her.

"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" _Did he touch you?_

Rey shook her head.

"I'm fine. Just a little bruised. I was…scared," she admitted.

"Me too," Ben confessed.

Before he could start thinking too much, Ben hugged her.

Rey's arms came around him immediately and he could feel her shaky breathing. He held on to her tighter. Reminding himself that she was alive and breathing. Ben wished that they could stay like this forever, with her in his arms Ben felt like nothing would ever go wrong.

But they couldn't stay like this. With a deep breath, he let her go.

"Shit, are you bleeding?" Rey asked once she looked at his hands.

"It's mostly his," Ben said looking at the still groaning man.

Ben crouched down and picked up Rey's fallen and forgotten money, as well as Leia's gift.

He handed it to Rey gently.

"We're going to be in a lot of trouble," Rey said looking at the bloodied man on the floor.

Ben didn't mind. He would never let anyone hurt Rey and get away with it. Not while he was alive and kicking.

"I'm used to it, at least this time it was worth it," Ben said.

* * *

Ben tells Rey to get Luke and Leia while he makes sure the thief doesn't get away.

"I am so suing you for this," says the masked man sitting up on the floor. Ben can tell he won't try to run, probably because he can't.

"You're the one who attacked a 12 year old girl, and got his ass kicked by a teenager," Ben taunted feeling a deep urge to kick the man.

Ben could hear sirens in the distance. He took deep breath and tried to calm down.

He glared at the thief in silence.

Luke and Leia arrive soon. They are both worried and afraid.

Ben expects that he'll be blamed and berated for his use of violence and for letting Rey get taken. But he doesn't.

Ben claims it was self-defense and for once his mother accepts it. She hugs him and makes sure he's okay. Makes sure the blood on his knuckles aren't his. Then she goes to talk to the police. Ben knows she'll do anything to keep Ben safe. Ben knows that he'll get away with it.

Money is power and Ben was born in it.

Instead of being angry or disappointed, Luke surprisingly thanks him.

"But…it's my fault. I wasn't paying attention… and he took Rey," Ben says shamefully.

Luke shakes his head and grips Ben's shoulder tightly.

"I would do anything to keep that girl safe and tonight you showed me that you would too. We're family. We protect each other. Besides, there are bad people in the world, and we can't control them. These things happen. Rey could have been seriously hurt tonight. She was lucky she had you."

Despite his Uncle's warm words, Ben can tell that Luke is not completely okay with this. He can see it in his Uncle's eyes.

That hint of distrust. That hint of worry. The blood that stains Ben's knuckles.

But Luke says nothing else. He just goes and checks on Leia and Rey.

Ben stands there and looks on as the police take away the bad man.

 _I wanted to kill him_ , Ben wants to say.

 _I was so angry. It was blinding. It felt good._

 _What's wrong with me?_

 **When I was a man, I thought it ended**

 **When I knew love's perfect ache**

 **But my peace has always depended**

 **On all the ashes in my wake**


	10. Photograph

**This is just a short little chapter, sorry for the long wait. I swear I'm writng but life sucks right now.**

* * *

 **Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes**

 **But it's the only thing that I know**

 **When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes**

 **It's the only thing that makes us feel alive**

 **Photograph by Ed Sheeran**

The incident is soon forgotten.

At least for the time being.

Rey feels so incredibly bad about it.

So guilty.

She wanted her visit to bring joy to the remaining Solos, but instead, she felt like she ruined everything.

Most of all she felt angry.

Angry at herself for being caught off guard and allowing it to happen. Angry at herself for being so afraid. Angry at Ben for losing control and hurting that man.

Sure, a part of Rey thinks that the scumbag deserved it, but another part kept repeating that moment over and over again. The moment when Ben had appeared in that dark alley. Like a knight in black shining armor or an angel of death. Rey wasn't sure. Ben had seen her look so damn weak and helpless. His eyes seemed to burn her skin. Then he turned to the thief and Rey could no longer see Ben. It wasn't Ben. At least not the Ben she knew.

This Ben lost his mind. He hurt someone. He almost didn't stop. It was almost like he couldn't hear or see Rey. But eventually, he did.

Eventually Ben came back to her.

Rey didn't mention this to the police officers or Leia or Luke. She kept it simple. She just told them that she was taken, and the man hit her and took her money. Then he pushed her. Then Ben showed up and stopped him.

It was basically the truth.

At least that's what Rey told herself. He did it for her. And as horrible as it was, she can't help but love him for it.

Besides, Leia was with Rey and she didn't let them ask her anything else. She made sure the bad man was taken away as quick as possible and then they took her home. Luke and Leia kissed and hugged Rey and made sure she was okay. Leia took care of Ben's injured hands. He wouldn't let anyone else help him.

Rey couldn't sleep that night.

As soon as she closed her eyes, it was like she was brought back to that moment. Alone in that dark alley with a knife pressed against her throat. Feeling terrified and powerless. _What if Ben hadn't come? What if it had been worse?_

Rey couldn't sleep alone.

She got up and walked towards Ben's room like a ghost.

He was awake as well.

Laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling as if it could somehow answer all his questions. Rey felt like that was too much pressure for an inanimate object.

Rey also felt embarrassed.

Like a child that was afraid of the dark. But Ben didn't say anything. Even though Rey wished he would, his eyes looked especially haunted tonight. More so than she'd ever seen them since his father's funeral. Rey wished that Ben could just let it all out. Let out all the pain that he kept inside, but that wasn't like Ben. He kept everything inside until he exploded. Until he hurt himself or others or both.

This was the kind of night that Ben would probably call her and wake her up if Rey was still at Luke's house.

But Rey was here in person.

And they didn't need to be alone when they were both hurting.

Ben lifted the comforter of his too big bed and Rey immediately got under them.

They didn't say anything. They didn't even touch.

Ben stayed on his side of the bed and Rey stayed in hers, but Ben slowly turned his body towards her and she did the same.

They looked at each other without looking away.

Rey would only stare when he was asleep but for tonight she let her eyes scan his features until she was too tired to keep them open. Her body felt pleasantly warm and all she could hear was Ben's soft breathing.

She wasn't afraid anymore.

She could still feel his eyes tracing her face, she knew Ben was looking at the faint bruise on her cheek. She knew he couldn't let it go, but she didn't know how to help him.

* * *

Leia and Luke baby her for the rest of the week and Ben looks at her with something resembling shame.

Rey hates it.

She hates the way that Ben holds himself apart from everyone around him. The way he beats himself up for losing control in front of her. It was all her fault. She sticks by his side even when he tries to pull away. She always will.

Eventually, it passes.

Rey gets to enjoy Christmas. For the first time she gets to actually celebrate it with people she loves. Luke cooks dinner every night and Leia helps out whenever she can. Rey can tell it's awkward for Leia to have so much free time. She always tries to fill the days with things to do. Museums, restaurants, parks and all the cringy tourist stops available.

Rey loves it.

Luke tolerates it. Ben claims to hate it, but Rey can tell that he's having fun too. Or at least some version of it.

On lazy nights Rey and Ben can be found in his room, wrapped up in blankets and binge-watching cheesy Christmas movies while eating copious amounts of ice cream. Rey loves it. She stays until there are horrible infomercials on TV. She and Ben laugh about the silly advertisements for useless things until Luke comes in and tells her it's passed her bedtime. Rey promises him just thirty more minutes and Luke relents.

Some nights she reads Ben's favorite books out loud until his breathing slows down. Until he closes his eyes for the last time and Rey can comfortably stare at him without fear of him looking back. She's going to miss him so much when she leaves.

She can already feel it.

Despite wanting to lay down next to him and fall asleep like that awful night she was robbed, Rey drowsily walks to her room. She doesn't want to seem needy or weak. She doesn't want Ben to grow tired of her. Besides, sleeping in the same bed as Ben doesn't seem like something "cousins" should be doing. Especially when they aren't really related by blood and one of them is crushing hard on the other.

Rey also didn't want to know what would happen if Luke or Leia caught them.

 _Would they be disgusted with her if they ever found out about her true feeling_?

Rey didn't like to think about it.

On Christmas morning they have a huge and horribly unhealthy breakfast that leaves Rey stuffed for the rest of the day. Then they all open their gifts. Although it seems to Rey that most of the gifts under the tree are for her. She blushes every time she opens something and is so flustered she doesn't notice Ben taking pictures of her with a newly gifted camera from Leia.

Rey gets to give the necklace to a teary-eyed Leia who hugs her tightly.

"I love you like you were my own daughter," Leia whispers into her ear and Rey's throat swells up with so much emotion she thinks she might explode from happiness. Rey holds onto her tighter.

Then she hugs Luke and thanks him for finding her.

For saving her.

She would be nothing if she hadn't been found by him.

Just a nameless orphan in a dying town.

"You saved me too Rey," Luke tells her honestly, "I was just an old man waiting to die before I met you."

Luke kisses her forehead and Rey knows this is where she belongs.

They are her family.

At night, Leia takes them downtown to look at a gigantic Christmas tree. Everything is full of twinkling lights and snow falls gently from the sky. It's like a scene from a movie. Perfect. So perfect it almost doesn't seem real to Rey.

How could this be her life?

Leia forces them all to take a family picture in front of the tree and even though Ben complains about it, he puts his arm around his mother and Luke asks a stranger to take a picture.

Leia takes control and asks Luke and Rey take a picture together, then she makes Ben take a picture of her and Luke. Then she forces Ben and Rey to pose for a picture together. Ben frowns as Leia mentions how precious they look and Rey can't help but blush underneath her hat. Her fingers are starting to feel frozen despite her gloves, but once Ben wraps his arms around her for the picture, Rey no longer feels the cold.

Rey is going to frame the photographs when she gets back home, and she'll put them by her bedside table so that she can always see them when she wakes up and when she falls asleep.

She wants to remember this moment forever.

 **We keep this love in a photograph**

 **We made these memories for ourselves**

 **Where our eyes are never closing**

 **Our hearts were never broken**

 **And time's forever frozen still**


	11. New Year's Day

**Sorry, I take forever to upload, but I'm still here. I've had a pretty sad holiday season, but I hope anyone reading this is doing better. Here's a short, fluffy chapter to end the year with. I really hope I bring you a longer and more developed chapter next year.**

* * *

 **There's glitter on the floor after the party**

 **Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby**

 **Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor**

 **You and me from the night before but**

 **Don't read the last page**

 **But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away**

 **I want your midnights**

 **But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day**

 **New Year's Day by Taylor Swift**

Leia has a huge party for New Year's.

She invites nearly everyone she knows.

Rey sees familiar faces such as Maz and some people from the funeral such as Chewie and Lando. There's also a lot of important people that Leia has met throughout her years working for the government, working in the military, and now retired but still working in various humanitarian efforts. Rey doesn't know how Leia manages to do so many incredible things. At this point, Rey wouldn't be surprised if Leia told her she was also a princess from another planet on her downtime.

Rey is far too scared to talk to any of these important people, they seem so far away from her world. Ben tells her they are "boring, rich assholes".

"She's just inviting them because she likes to make people donate and contribute to her projects and organizations," Ben explains to Rey as they watch a woman wearing a flashy diamond necklace ask for more champagne.

"It's actually kind of amazing, she butters them up and gets them drunk, then they give her giant checks happily and pat themselves in the back for being so generous," Ben says shaking his head.

To Rey, it sounds kind of jaded, but oddly brilliant.

Soon the house is filled with so many people that it almost made Leia's gigantic house look small. Leia hired a catering company and numerous waiters go around the house with whatever alcohol people like. The music progressively gets louder, although the band that Leia hired keeps things classy and stable.

Rey is at once amazed and horrified.

It looks like a scene from one of those cheesy Christmas movies on TV.

Ben is annoyed.

Luke falls asleep right before midnight after a couple glasses of wine and a kiss on the cheek for Rey.

Rey thinks of following his footsteps, but she doesn't feel comfortable in this house with all these strangers. She wouldn't be able to sleep with all the noise and energy. She makes polite conversation when people come up to say hello to Ben, but thankfully everyone sees her as a child and leaves her alone. Not bothering to give her their time.

Some ask Rey who she is. They give her pitying looks when she explains that Luke had adopted her during the summer. Rey hates them the most.

Ben glares at them until they leave.

Rey feels as though she shouldn't be here. She doesn't belong here. It feels so fake and stifling and suddenly she understands why Ben is always complaining so much. He didn't belong here either.

It must have sucked growing up around all these pretenses and facades. Although Rey knows that Ben never tried to play along. He lashes out and refuses to stay in line. Rey was starting to love this part of Ben too.

"Let's get out of here. I'm sick of it," Ben tells her looking at his mother make conversation to someone women dressed in silver with bright pink hair.

"Are you sure we should leave?" Rey asks worriedly. Sure, she wants to leave, but she doesn't want Leia to think she's being rude.

"We'll just go outside. We can watch the fireworks," Ben says as he loosens the red tie he wore for dinner earlier. The one good thing to come from this party was that Rey had gotten to see Ben in a suit and tie. Rey hated herself for noticing how amazing he looked, but how could she not. He looked elegant and strong and beautiful.

Rey had chosen to wear a red dress that Leia had bought her. It was way too expensive, but it was warm and soft against her skin and Rey loved it more than she should because Ben had told her she looked pretty. Rey had tried her best not to show how happy it made her.

Ben takes her hand gently and they move away from the partygoers. He reaches for a small closet in an empty hallway and grabs a heavy blanket. Then he leads them to the back door.

It's so bitterly cold outside and Rey wishes that she had brought a coat.

No one else is there and it's so dark that Rey can barely make out the rest of the backyard. They step away from the house until they can only hear the band playing softly in the background. They walk further until there's a clear view of the sky.

Ben lays down the blanket on the ground and motions her to sit down next to him.

Rey shivers slightly as they sit down.

Ben notices immediately and takes off his jacket.

"I'm fine. I swear," Rey lies.

Ben ignores her and wraps it around her shoulders.

The first shots are fired, and they watch distant fireworks light up the sky.

Many more fireworks follow.

Without looking away from the fireworks lighting up the sky, Ben tells her quietly, "This year would have been completely unbearable if I hadn't met you."

Rey can see the light reflected in Ben's eyes.

Her heart swells and she feels like crying, but she takes a deep breathe.

"I'm glad I'm here with you," is all that Rey can think to say without giving away too much of her feelings.

Instead of revealing just how much she needs him, she takes a chance and lays her head on his shoulder. He doesn't move, but she can see the hint of a smile on his lips.

Rey takes this quiet moment to reflect on the craziness that has been her life since meeting Ben. Rey still remembers the first time they met.

It felt like forever ago.

But she still remembers their first conversation clearly. They were sitting next to each other on a darkening beach. Rey was sad, Ben was angry.

Rey didn't want to be sad anymore. Rey didn't want Ben to be angry anymore.

Maybe this year will be better, well at least that's what Rey wished for.

"Happy New Year's Rey," Ben says finally looking at her.

"Happy New Year's Ben."

* * *

They wake up early the next day.

Leia and Luke are still fast asleep.

Ben and Rey heat up some leftovers and look at the aftermath of last night.

There are empty glasses everywhere, glitter on the floor, and it suddenly feels hauntedly empty to Rey.

She and Luke will be leaving for their flight today.

Rey hates to think about it.

She hates to leave Leia and Ben.

She hates the thought of not walking into Ben's room whenever she can or kissing Leia good morning, or of dragging Luke outside and making him go to ridiculous places in the city.

She hates the thought of not seeing Ben's face every single day.

"You're quiet this morning," Ben says interrupting her pity party.

Rey sighs as she puts down her fork filled with Christmas ham and pushes her plate away. Suddenly, everything doesn't look so appetizing. Not with the thoughts running through Rey's head.

"Wow and you're not eating too, this must be really serious," Ben teases, but his eyes look sad.

 _Is he going to miss me too?_

Rey can only hope.

"I'm leaving today," she mutters unhappily.

"I know," Ben says glaring at his own plate.

Rey allows herself to act like a child for once and decides to whine unnecessarily.

"I hate it. I don't want to leave you and Leia and the city. I don't want to go back to boring school. I wish I could stay,"

"And I wish I could go with you," Ben says interrupting her.

Rey feels her throat get uncomfortably tight, but she will not let herself cry. It would only make things worse and she refuses to look like a crybaby in front of Ben.

"Hey, listen to me," Ben says taking her hand in his, Rey can't help but notice how her hand looks so much smaller in his.

"We can still talk on the phone like always and before you know it, it will be summer again and Mom already promised me that I could visit you or that you could come back here," Ben tells her sternly, almost like he's promising her that no matter what they will see each other again.

Rey shakes her head and tries to get a grip.

She needed to be stronger than this.

She couldn't always have Ben by her side.

Even if that's what her heart wanted the most.

She just needed to wait.

Wait until she was older and stronger and not in love with Ben.

Maybe then it would hurt less to be away from him.

 **Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you**

 **And I will hold on to you**

 **Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere**

 **Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere**


	12. Control

This chapter took me forever and I'm still not completely happy with it. I feel like it's a mess, but I like that this is the beginning of a darker turn for the story. I am also going to start doing both Ben and Rey's POV and we are going to see more of Ben's life. Hope ya'll enjoy it.

Oh and in this chapter, we skip about a month to Ben's 16th birthday. Rey is still 12, but she's turning 13 soon.

* * *

 **They send me away to find them a fortune**

 **A chest filled with diamonds and gold**

 **The house was awake, the shadows and monsters**

 **The hallways, they echoed and groaned**

 **Control by Halsey**

Rey is the first person to wish Ben a happy birthday.

She calls him at exactly midnight, part of Ben stayed up in hopes that she would.

"You are soooo old now. Soon you'll be an old man and you'll need a crane and a nurse to follow you around," Rey teases.

"Hey, watch it! Or I won't drive you around when I get my license," Ben warns, but they both know it's an empty threat.

"Woah, you're old enough to drive now," Rey says as if she's just realizing it's his 16th birthday.

She sounds serious now.

"You really are old."

Ben groans.

"Well I feel old," he says closing his eyes.

He barely slept last night, not that he would mention it to Rey. He didn't want her to worry.

He had felt restless since she left, but hearing her voice helped.

"Thank you for calling me kiddo."

He can practically see her rolling her eyes at that nickname and it makes him smile.

"You're welcome, I hope you have a good day and survive school," she says semi-honestly.

"I'll try," Ben says bitterly.

"You will. Don't do anything stupid," Rey says completely serious.

"Sure," Ben lies.

"You should sleep too, don't you have that English essay due tomorrow?" Ben asks.

Now it's Rey's turn to groan.

"I do, and I hate it, and I'm glad to finally be done with it. I'd rather take a quiz in Math," Rey says scathingly.

"You are so weird," Ben says awed. He always hated Math and Science, but Rey seemed to thrive on it. She was so much smarter than he was at her age. Not that he would tell her that.

"Well, goodnight, hope your English teacher doesn't bite," Ben tells her teasingly.

Rey snorts at his stupid joke.

"Goodnight and Happy Birthday Ben."

It was not a happy birthday for Ben.

Birthdays usually weren't for him.

Ben hated being the center of attention.

In the past, Leia would usually force Han to have dinner with them, even if they were fighting or Ben didn't want to and it would become a tense, awkward mess with presents that Ben never really wanted.

Han wasn't here now.

Which was somehow worse.

Ben swears he could feel his father sometimes. Like a ghost that followed him wherever he went. But Ben was still left feeling empty and alone.

Thankfully, Rey was in his life now, which made things better, but she couldn't always be with him. She was far away and happy without him. At least, that's how Ben felt sometimes. Like Rey would be better off not caring about someone like Ben. Like she would be happier without him and his issues.

Ben woke up to his mother shaking him awake and wishing him a happy birthday before school. Ben felt the same tired, heavy energy that had been haunting him for months. They ate breakfast in a heavy silence.

Han's ghost being too loud.

She kissed his cheek and promised him that they would have dinner at Maz and order all the deserts that they could eat.

Ben was okay with that. One quick dinner, some awful gifts and some time with his mother. He could manage it. Maybe even be happy.

Ben arrived at school on time for once. Usually, he would sleep in late and be late to school, but his mother had actually woken him up this time and she didn't let him be late.

Ben hated school, but most of the time he could handle it.

He didn't speak to anyone, and most people, even the teachers, knew not to bother him unless they wanted trouble.

Ben welcomed the loneliness like an old friend.

School had even been easier after Han died. It seemed like the teachers didn't care if he was tardy or if he didn't turn in homework anymore. Everyone gave him a pass.

At least for now.

Ben ignored everyone, and everyone ignored him.

Everyone except Hux and Phasma.

They were harder to ignore.

He had known them before Leia forced him to go to this pretentious high school.

Their parents knew each other from long ago which meant that they were forced on playdates when they were younger. Until Ben grew tired of the forced nature of the arrangement and decided to throw fits every time Leia tried to force him to be "friendly".

Leia finally got the message after Ben punched Hux for stealing his crayons.

Ben only had to see them on special occasions afterward, but then high school came and Leia decided that only the best school would do for her child and Han wasn't home so he had no say in the matter, not that he would've cared. And the best school came with Hux and Phasma.

Sometimes Ben felt like fate was trying to make him give up and accept being lumped in with them. But Ben didn't want to give fate the pleasure.

Ben managed to make it until lunch in isolated peace.

Then Phasma sat down in front of him.

Tall, and blonde, and the meanest girl Ben had ever met.

He hated her, yet he respected her in an odd way.

When they were little Ben had put his gum on her long blonde hair because she asked him why his Dad wasn't home. She screamed at him until her face went red and then she slapped him.

They had to cut her hair and she had never grown it out again.

Now she hung around him like he owed something to her.

What that was, Ben could never tell.

"Happy Birthday," she told him in an unexcited and bored voice.

"Gee, thank you," Ben said sarcastically.

"You should guilt your mom into buying you a car," she told him as she picked at her lunch food.

"You should mind your own business," Ben told her bitterly. He hated that she knew so much about him. She had even gone to Han's funeral, Ben didn't know if it was for appearances or because she wanted to go. Either way, it didn't matter. The only person Ben paid attention to during that awful time was Rey. He didn't need Phasma there.

Phasma rolled her eyes and then she smirked as Hux sat down next to Ben.

Ben felt nothing but dread.

"How's our Birthday Boy doing? Ready to burn down the school?" Hux said disinterestedly.

"As long as you're inside," Ben said semi-seriously.

Hux snorted.

"You hurt me," Hux said dramatically with his hands over his chest.

"You don't have a heart," Phasma retorted.

"None of us do," Hux said staring at Ben intensely.

Ben didn't want to hear him. He missed holiday break and being away from both of them. And he missed Rey.

"So, any wild plans for tonight?" Hux asked, sounding interested for once.

"None, that you are invited for," Ben responded.

"You are no fun," Hux whined flippantly, "And you ignored my calls all break."

Ben rolled his eyes.

"I was busy. Besides the holidays are a time for family."

"Yeah, but you barely have a family," Hux responded cruelly.

Ben felt blood rush to his head and his hands tightened to fists.

He remembered wanting to punch Hux as children and sometimes that feeling seemed to have never left. Especially when Hux was being a bastard.

Thankfully, the bell rang before Ben could explode all over that cafeteria.

"Saved by the bell," Phasma murmured regretfully. She always loved to egg on Ben's anger, like it was a fun pastime.

"Call me if you want to have some real fun tonight," Hux told him coolly.

With that, Ben got up and quickly walked away from them.

He didn't look back.

By the time he got back home after school, Ben was almost excited. As sad as it sounded, spending his crappy birthday with his mother would calm him down.

But Leia wasn't home.

Instead, Ben found a note on the kitchen counter.

 _Had an emergency at the office._

 _I'll be home late._

 _I'm so sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you._

 _Love, Mom_

It wasn't the first time Ben had come home from school to a note with his mother's elegant handwriting. There had been so many notes, sometimes Ben didn't bother to look at them. They always had the word "sorry".

It wasn't enough for Ben.

 _Was she really sorry? Was she ever sorry? Was one night with Ben really so horrible?_

He sat on the kitchen stool for a long time listening to the emptiness of the house and the pounding blood in his ears. Then his phone went off interrupting Ben's spiraling thoughts. For a moment he thought it would be Leia. She would apologize and say that she was on her way back. Work could wait, and she wanted to spend his birthday with him. Ben would still be furious, but he would forgive her, and everything would be okay.

 **I'm bigger than my body**

 **I'm colder than this home**

 **I'm meaner than my demons**

 **I'm bigger than these bones**

But it wasn't Leia.

It was Hux.

Ben knew he shouldn't answer, but something in him didn't have the energy to stop himself. Something in him was ready to break.

"Ready for your birthday gift? Last chance to join tonight's festivities," Hux told him in a tone that was half bored amusement and a poor attempt at seduction. Ben should've blocked him a long time ago, but somehow Hux was always there when Ben wanted to destroy something or someone or himself.

Ben thought of Rey's disappointed face if she saw him right now, but she was so far away. Ben was alone. He didn't want to be.

"Fine. What grand plans do you have for tonight?" Ben asked ruefully.

Ben could almost see Hux smirk.

"I knew I'd wear you down eventually."

"Yes, like black mold," Ben told him nastily.

Hux just chuckled at Ben's awfulness.

"I'll pick you up soon. It's a surprise. Something tells me you'll like it."

 **And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"**

 **I can't help this awful energy**

 **God damn right, you should be scared of me**

 **Who is in control?**

Ben had almost walked away as Hux led him to some abandoned neighborhood in a shitty part of town. Ben figured they were going to another party, but then they walked passed beat-up houses and finally stopped outside a dark grey building.

Ben could hear voices inside, but no music. There were cars outside and motorcycles, but the streets remained empty.

He had asked Hux multiple times where the hell they were going, but he only shook his head.

"Are you taking me to a crack house?" Ben asked haughtily.

Sure, Ben wanted to get in trouble tonight, but going to the middle of nowhere to do hardcore drugs with Hux seemed a little too much. Ben wasn't that much of an idiot.

"Don't be arbitrary," Hux said as he knocked on the locked door of the building.

A huge guy with neck tattoos and piercings opened the door.

He looked at them and suddenly Ben realized that they probably looked like rich, dumb kids looking for a fix. Ben looked at Hux, thinking they should just run away, but Hux stared ahead coolly.

For a moment Ben was impressed by Hux's persistence. Then Hux reached out his left arm and pulled his leave up to reveal a tattoo on the inside of his wrist.

Ben was speechless.

It was a black sixteen-rayed symbol inscribed within a hexagon.

Ben had no idea that Hux was the type to get something so permanent. But more importantly, Ben had no idea why. _Why were they here? Why did Hux show the scary dude at the door his tattoo? And why did the scary dude step aside and told them to come in?_

Ben couldn't think.

Hux stepped inside. Ben followed.

They went down a dark hallway that lead them further inside.

On his pocket, Ben felt his phone go off.

This time it was Leia.

But it was far too late.

Ben hit ignore and turned it off. He could not handle speaking to his mother tonight.

They entered a huge room with a huge crowd. It was like they were in some underground concert, but there was no band. People chatted around Ben and Hux.

Some of them looked as scary as the man that answered the door. Some were dressed normally. No one was doing heroin like Ben expected. They looked like they were waiting, some were getting impatient.

Then the lights shut off.

The crowd cheered around him as the room darkened.

A spotlight shone on the center.

Two lone figures came into the center of the room, Ben got closer as the crowd rushed forward. There was the same symbol tattooed on Hux's arm marked in the center of the room where the two figures stood.

A bell was rung. The crowd grew louder as the first hit was thrown.

Ben had never seen anything like it.

They went at each other like animals.

There were no rhymes or rhythm to their movements. Just two men in the center of the circle, no one else inside. No one else dared cross the black line. No one stopped them.

The men fought.

Hit after hit until they both turned blue and bloody. The crowd cheered and booed when one of them would fall on the floor. Ben figured they should stay down, but they wiped their blood from their face and got up. They circled each other as the crowd cheered and started attacking each other again.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Hux said from beside him.

Finally, the fight was over once someone couldn't get up from the floor.

Their bloody, unconscious body was dragged away by someone. And the bell rung again.

Ben was mesmerized.

"It is."

Ben watched as two more fighters entered the ring. Hux cheered beside him.

"I bet $200 on the big one," Hux mentioned lightly, as if he could drop $200 in the trash and it would mean nothing to him.

"Is everyone betting?" Ben asked curiously.

"Some. Others just like watching. Others like participating," Hux scoffed, "They must be crazy to actually want to kill each other."

Ben didn't find it crazy at all.

For the first time in a long time, everything seemed so clear and simple.

Unbeknown to either of them, a figure stood off on the other side of the building. Far away enough to not be seen by the boys, but close enough to recognize their faces.

Snoke looked at Ben's hungry eyes from a distance.

He could smell fresh meat from a mile away.

Ben cheered as fresh blood was spilled.

 **I paced around for hours on empty**

 **I jumped at the slightest of sounds**

 **And I couldn't stand the person inside me**

 **I turned all the mirrors around**

Rey woke up choking on a scream.

Her hands scratched at her throat as she tried to take in breaths.

It was the second time this week that she had woken up in complete utter panic.

It was the same nightmare.

Over and over again.

Sometimes she would wake up before they got to the bad part and she would stay awake all night, too afraid to close her eyes. Other times she would be stuck in her dreams until she woke up in a fit of panic.

She had thought that after talking with Ben and wishing him a happy birthday, her nightmares would go away for a night. But they didn't. They were getting worse.

She would dream of that night, in the dark alleyway. The thief holding his knife on her neck. Ben didn't show up. Rey tried to scream for help, but nothing came out. She tried and tried but her voice was gone, and the knife grew closer until the masked thief slit her throat.

Even though it was just a dream Rey could swear she felt the blood dripping down her neck. Warm and dark and awful. She started choking on it.

Then she would wake up.

It had been this way since she got back home after New Year's.

Rey thought that with some time it would go away but it hadn't.

Thankfully, Luke hadn't noticed her distress except for the dark circles under her eyes. He just thought she was spending too much time on her computer or watching TV. Rey let him believe that.

She was getting good a pretending she was okay.

 **I'm bigger than my body**

 **I'm colder than this home**

 **I'm meaner than my demons**

 **I'm bigger than these bones**

 **And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"**

 **I can't help this awful energy**

 **God damn right, you should be scared of me**

 **Who is in control?**

Things had been odd since coming back home from holiday break. Rose and Finn had greeted her with big hugs and smiles on the first day back to school, but then a weird tension set in. They would still hang out and Rose would come over to do homework, but Rey could tell they were hiding something. Sometimes Finn looked guilty. Sometimes Rose looked angry. Rose was never angry, and Finn never did anything bad enough to be guilty about. It was confusing and frustrating.

Rey kept hoping that whatever weirdness was going on would disappear eventually, but it didn't.

It just got worse.

Rey stepped into school, bleary-eyed and tense from her nightmares.

Usually, she would meet up with Rose and Finn at her locker and they would talk before first period or catch up on homework, but this morning Rose wasn't there, and a frowning Finn stood against her locker.

He looked panicked once he saw her.

"Hey," Finn squeaked.

"Hey, where's Rose? Don't you guys usually walk to school together? Was she sick?" Rey said worrying immediately.

"No, no, no. She's fine. I think. It's just… I wanted to talk to you. Alone. In private," Finn said fumbling his words and looking nervous.

"What's going on?" Rey demanded.

She was sick and tired of this weird behavior. She wanted her best friends back.

Finn took a deep breath and finally looked at Rey's intense stare.

"Well… you know how we spent New Year's together? Me and Rose?"

Rey remembered that Rose had called her on New Year's Eve and told her she was going over to Finn's house to watch the ball drop. Rey had told her to have fun and she would see her next year. Rose laughed at that.

"Yeah, and?" Rey asked.

"Rose kissed me," Finn said so fast that Rey needed a second to make sure she heard right.

Finn and Rose.

Rose and Finn.

"It just happened, and I was confused, and I pushed her away and she got sad. And then she got angry. And now everything is ruined isn't it?" Finn said anxiously.

Rey always thought they liked each other, but it felt weird knowing that they actually kissed. Rey never thought about kissing anyone in her school. Rey figured they were all too young to think about that stuff, but Finn and Rose were a couple months older than her and Rey figured kissing was different when you were 13.

Rey wondered when Ben had his first kiss. He was sixteen today. So, some girl must have tried already. Rey wondered who and when it happened and suddenly everything was awful.

"Rey?" Finn said as Rey was shaken away from her revolving thoughts.

"But why did you push her away? I kind of always thought you liked her. And why haven't either of you told me" Rey asked, starting to feel a bit angry and left out.

Finn got that guilty look on his face again.

"I thought I did like her but… then I thought of you…" Finn said shyly, looking at the floor.

"What about me?" Rey said feeling completely confused.

"I like you," Finn said exasperated, "and I told Rose and she ran out and then you came back, and everything's weird now."

Suddenly, everything made sense. Rose's anger and Finn's sad eyes.

"You don't like me," Rey said sure of it.

Finn stared at her wide-eyed.

"You can't just tell me I don't like you, Rey. I'm sure of my feelings," Finn said looking braver than before.

"I'm sorry, Finn. But I just…." Rey struggled to find her words. She wanted to be clear, but gentle. She loved him, he was one of her best friends. And she knew that was what he would always be. She wanted him to be her friend for the rest of her life.

"I don't feel the same way. You're my best friend and I want that to stay the same. Always."

Finn looked crushed.

Rey felt horrible, even though she only said the truth. She wanted to call Ben and talk to him about it. She felt awfully confused and out of her element.

"I get it," Finn said solemnly.

The bell rung interrupting their conversation.

Rey thanked it.

"I should head to class and I think you should talk to Rose," Rey said gently.

She gripped his shoulder softly and walked away.

 **I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head**

 **They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead**

 **And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head**

 **They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead**

"I swear I think that last guy left without any teeth," Ben said jovially.

Ben and Hux had just left the mysterious building and Ben was on a high.

Ben felt euphoric.

The thrill of the crowd and the sound of each hit, still rung in his ears.

Ben felt alive.

Hux, the asshole, looked smug and cocky.

"So, what the hell was that?" Be asked, "And why on earth would you get a tattoo? You told me once, you thought they were tacky."

"Aww, you remembered." Hux teased, "I do think they're tacky, but not if they have a deeper meaning to it."

"And to answer your question, I got invited here a couple months ago. I'm not really allowed to say who brought me in, but let's just say these people are not ordinary people. Eventually, I either had to prove that I wouldn't rat anything out or stop coming here. The price is the tattoo. That's how they know your serious and trustworthy."

"It kinda sounds like a cult," Ben said staring at Hux's arm.

"I still have my own mind, and I'm not bound to anything, I simply made my own decisions and I know what I want," Hux said huffily, "Besides, it's human nature to act like animals. It made you feel better. Didn't it?" Hux said knowingly.

"When can we come back?" Ben said despite himself.

Hux smiled.

"Soon."

Ben was hooked. It wasn't like he was hurting anyone. He just wanted to see the hurt be done.

Maybe that still made him a horrible person.

But Ben was done caring.

 **I'm bigger than my body**

 **I'm colder than this home**

 **I'm meaner than my demons**

 **I'm bigger than these bones**

 **And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"**

 **I can't help this awful energy**

 **God damn right, you should be scared of me**

 **Who is in control?**

* * *

Hope that some of you enjoyed this. I'm literally happy if anyone reads this at all lol.


	13. Pain

I know I've been away for a long time, but I'm trying lol

Can't promise any fast uploads, but I hope someone gets some joy from my random upload.

Also I hope it's obvious that I'm writing Snoke as a manipulative, horrible person and I don't want anyone to think that therapist or therapy in general is anything like I have written it.

* * *

 **Pain without love**

 **Pain, I can't get enough**

 **Pain, I like it rough**

 **'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all**

 **Pain by Three Days Grace**

Shit hits the fan eventually.

Ben was able to hide everything from his mother pretty well at first.

He would spend days at school pretending that everything was fine, then at night he would sneak out his window.

Hux waited for him down the street and together they would go to that same creepy building. Ben started to recognize familiar faces at the so called "First Order", that's what Hux told him this strange group was called. Sometimes Ben would place bets. Sometimes he just watched in awe as fight after bloody fight occurred.

Leia never noticed. Her guilt from Ben's disaster birthday made her blind. She apologized a thousand times and let him do or buy whatever he wanted. Money never made things right.

Half of Ben wished she had noticed, the other half was having way too much fun.

Months passed by of Ben staying up too late and waking up in a foul mood for school. It was better than staying awake all night. Better than laying in his bed all night, frightened of having nightmares about his dead father. Insomnia was a bitch, but Ben found something that made him feel awake and alive. If only for a couple hours.

He would squeeze in a call to Rey whenever he could, but he felt wrong talking to her. Like he was hiding something, which he was.

He listened to Rey as she admitted that she was dreading going to school and being around Finn and Rose. He laughed when Rey told him that Finn had a crush on her, but Rose liked him and now everything was horrible.

These silly middle-school problems seemed so far away from Ben's own life, but he found it incredibly entertaining and he loved too tease Rey about it. She seemed so surprised that someone would like her. Ben wasn't surprised at all. Rey was amazing, and others were bound to find that out, much to Ben's dislike.

"Crushes don't last long with kids your age," he told her teasingly, "give it another month and they'll both change their minds."

"You don't mean that," Rey said strangely serious.

"Sure, I do."

"So, you think that I couldn't possibly have real feelings for someone at my age," Rey asked sounding nervous, but slightly offended as well.

"I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about your airhead friends," Ben responded honestly.

"Don't be mean," Rey muttered accordingly.

Ben rolled her eyes.

"Fine, but I didn't know we were talking about you too. Is there someone you suddenly found yourself infatuated with?" Ben asked. He felt dread rise in him as he considered that maybe Rey was growing up way faster than he anticipated.

"No," Rey said instantly and the panic rising in Ben fell slightly.

"Well, good. You're too young to get hurt,"

"Why would I get myself hurt?" Rey asked confused.

"Love always ends badly," Ben said bitterly thinking of his parents.

"I disagree," Rey said immediately, "I think love is like a good pain. Like a pain I would gladly have if it meant that I was once happy."

Ben smiled at her words. She had never seemed so young, yet so wise before.

"You continue to amaze me," he told her honestly.

They said quick goodnights and Rey made him promise to call again soon.

Then Ben was out the window and into the night.

The First Order called to him.

 **You're sick of feeling numb**

 **You're not the only one**

 **I'll take you by the hand**

 **And I'll show you a world that you can understand**

Shit hits the fan when Ben receives a call from his mother at 2AM.

He was leaving The First Order with Hux who was boasting about winning $500 on the last fight and was trying to convince him that they should go to some random senior's party tomorrow. Ben would normally say no to more time spent with Hux, but Hux was slowly wearing him down, and another night outside his house seemed better than staying inside exhausted and lonely, and unable to sleep.

Ben never worried about his mother finding out he was sneaking out. For starters, his mother hadn't checked in on him in the middle of the night in years, not since Ben was a child. Ben used to have nightmares when he was little, and he remembers Leia coming in and hugging him until his breathing slowed. It was one of the last moments of happiness that he remembers before Leia and Han's marriage fell apart. He stopped having nightmares when he realized that his parent's unhappiness frightened him more than the monsters in his dreams. He stopped having nightmares until Han's death, but he never told his mother this.

Leia would usually stay in her office late or she would try and have dinner with Ben and then work in her office room that she had built in their home. Either way, she usually passed out by midnight after a short goodnight to Ben and a kiss on his cheek. Part of Ben felt bad for lying to her. She was getting older, more wrinkles added to her face since Han's funeral. More stress added unto her shoulders and Ben knew he would add more if he was discovered.

But he couldn't stop himself.

Once Ben, saw her name pop up on his phone he knew that he could either ignore her and have her panic and worry about where he was, or he could answer her and face the consequences. If Ben ignored her, she might call the cops, maybe even wake up Luke in a panic and therefore wake up Rey. He couldn't have that.

"You can't tell her the truth," Hux told him sternly after a few seconds of hearing the phone ringing loudly between them.

Ben made up a lie in his head. He would still be in a lot of trouble, but he was not going to expose The First Order. He wasn't an idiot.

He answered the phone, lies ready between his teeth.

"Mom I'm fine. I decided to go out with some friends. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just didn't want to wake you up." He told her immediately, hoping that she would feel the guilt in his voice and not his lies.

"Ben Solo, you are a worse liar than your father. You better get back here right now, before I go and get you myself," Leia said sternly.

She didn't scream at Ben, but Ben knew she was furious.

And Ben knew he was screwed.

There was a lot of screaming once he got to the house.

From Leia, then from Ben.

Ben claimed he went out to a party and he promised he would never do it again.

Leia claimed he was lying and demanded to know where and with whom he was with.

Ben got defensive and told her she should have more faith in him and she shouldn't assume he was lying.

Leia grounded him for a month.

Ben refused to tell her the truth.

Leia asked if this was the first time he had sneaked out during the night.

Ben said yes immediately.

Leia didn't believe him.

Ben screamed some more and broke the living room table.

Leia started crying and Ben felt like the biggest asshole in the world.

But he didn't know how to make it right.

His mothered stared at him with fear in her eyes in silk pajamas at 3AM and ordered him to go to sleep. They would talk more tomorrow.

Leia let him stay home from school, which freaked Ben out.

Eventually she made him get up and they sat down for a late breakfast.

"Things haven't been okay for a long time and I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to do something about it." Leia said calmly.

Ben had never heard his mother sound so cold, yet peaceful.

"I've made an appointment with a friend of mines. He's a psychologist and he has graciously opened up his afternoon to see you," Leia said sternly.

It wasn't the first time that his mother tried to make him see a therapist, but this was the first time she refused to hear him say no.

"You can't make me go," Ben told her feeling anxious and hurt by her indifference. She had never been so cold with him, but Ben couldn't blame her.

She got him has a son. The biggest disappointment in her life probably, and now she was giving up on him and sending him to someone else that could fix him.

"I can and I will. This is happening today. I'm worried about you and I can't let you self-destruct anymore. Please don't make this any harder than it is. I don't want to lose you too," Leia's steel voice cracked with her words and Ben could finally see the warmth return in her eyes along with fresh tears.

Ben's first reaction was to run away.

Runaway from his heartbroken mother and all his bad decisions.

However, he quickly realized that he had nowhere to go to.

Well, no.

There was one place that he remembers being happy in. But running away to your uncle and his new adopted daughter, probably didn't count as running away and Luke would probably send him back. And Rey would be so disappointed. He couldn't run.

But most importantly, Ben knew it would destroy his mother if he left her too.

He never wanted to be like his father.

So, he stayed.

"Fine, I'll go," Ben said staring at his burnt omelet instead of his crying mother.

He pushed the food away, too anxious and angry to eat.

"His name is Dr. Snoke and he actually offered to see you after the funeral, but I told him no. I've had his number for months and he answered first ring," his mother explained as Ben looked at the large house in front of him.

"He usually has patients come into his house to make things more comfortable and less stressful."

"Wow, he's really made a living out of screwed of people like me," Ben said spitefully.

The house was even larger that Ben's house and was more of a mansion. A lot more modern than Ben's house as well, with tall glass windows and a large, white walls.

Leia frowned at Ben's words but didn't deny them.

They walked up to gigantic iron doors that opened to reveal, Dr. Snoke.

Ben was expecting Snoke to be someone young and full of life. Someone who would go hiking in the morning and says inspirational quotes out loud.

Snoke didn't look like that at all.

For starters he was old. Far older than Leia, and Ben considered asking him why he hasn't retired yet, but he didn't want to come across as an asshole right away. Snoke looked fragile almost, but his eyes were alive and digging into Ben's eyes, as if he could read his mind.

Snoke was also a lot more somber and quiet than Ben was expecting for someone who was supposed to make you talk about your feelings and other nonsense. However, his calm presence didn't mean he wasn't charming.

Snoke made polite conversation with his mother after looking away from Ben's eyes. Ben felt relieved and took a deep breathe. He was already regretting being here and he wished he could leave.

"If you don't mind I like to have these sessions privately. I find that it helps keep things honest and comfortable for my younger clients, but you can still stay if you want to of course," Snoke told his mother comfortingly.

Leia looked at Ben worriedly, but Ben refused to look at her and instead glared at her heels.

Leia sighed.

"I think you'll probably get more out of him without me here," she agreed disappointedly.

Ben had barely talked to her after breakfast.

"Just call when you're done," and with that she was out the door and Ben was left with the old guy in a huge mansion.

"Have a sit," Snoke said pointing to a large red couch in the living room.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"No," Ben muttered angrily.

 _He didn't want to be here._

"I'm glad you are here Ben. I was hoping you would come eventually. Deaths in the family can often bring a lot of strain on someone's emotional and mental well-being,"

Ben grew tenser. Snoke wanted to talk about his father. Ben knew it would come up, but he still wasn't ready.

"I've been dealing with it just fine." Ben lied.

Snoke smirked as if he recognized something in Ben.

Ben glared.

"Really?"

"My father was barely in my life when he died. It's really no different now that he's dead."

"Does your poor mother feel the same way? She seems quite upset," Snoke said coldly.

Ben's fears grew.

It was true, his mother was suffering even more now that Han was dead, and Ben continued to bring nothing but trouble.

"She worries about you. She mentioned that you used to get into a lot of fights in school. She called me when you beat up that thief last Christmas. She had never seen so much blood before, she said she was afraid for you," Snoke said almost teasingly. Like he knew how to make Ben tick.

"My mother talks too much," Ben said feeling even more anxious.

He felt like he was drowning.

"It sounded to me like she was more afraid of you than for you, wouldn't you agree?" Snoke continued ruthlessly.

Ben's throat tightened up and his hand began to shake.

That was the truth.

Clear as day.

Clear enough for some random guy to figure out.

"I would never hurt my mother," Ben said shakily. Vulnerable, now that the truth was out.

He was the monster.

"But you have, haven't you? She called me in the middle of the night crying and saying that you hated her."

"I don't hate her." Ben snarled angrily.

"But you hated your father?" Snoke asked knowingly.

Ben's anger ignited.

"He's the one who hurt her first," Ben said bitterly.

"Do you think you got your anger from your father?" Snoke asked curiously.

"I'm nothing like him," Ben said offended.

Snoke ignored him.

"What was it like? Hearing that your father was dead. Tell me, did it bring you joy, relief, did you truly despise him that much?"

Ben was so shocked by his words that all he could do was remain silent. A voice in Ben's head told him to leave immediately. This was not what Been was expecting. Ben didn't expect for a therapist to be so…cruel. Sadistic.

"I didn't want him dead. I'm not a murderer or a psychopath."

"But you did want to make him suffer and you wanted him to stop hurting you and your mother," Snoke said knowingly.

Part of it was true.

A horrible part of Ben did feel relieved, but that part got quickly taken over by grief and guilt.

It was Ben's fault.

He knew it and he wished that his mother would just admit it.

Han Solo was driving towards Luke's town. Most likely to see his useless son who never bothered to pick up his phone calls.

Ben stayed up nights wondering what his father would've said if he showed up at the beach house instead of dying on a lonely stretch of road outside of town.

 _Would he had apologized for everything? Say that they could be a family again._

 _Would Ben even believe him?_

 _Or was he going to say goodbye one last time before he completely abandoned his family?_

Ben would never know now.

The what ifs would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Now all he was left with was anger and regret. And so much sadness everywhere he looked.

"I wasn't happy, but… part of me felt relieved that it was over. No more fighting or crying with my parents. No more lying to me. No shitty divorce… so yeah at first, I though it was for the best. But that doesn't mean I wanted him dead," Ben said honestly.

"Is it still for the best. Do you think things would be better if your father was still alive?"

Ben didn't want to have to think about this or talk about this.

Snoke just kept pushing and pushing and Ben felt like he was about to break.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Ben said panicked and outraged at Snoke's questions.

Snoke laughed at him. Like he was something small and amusing.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think I was talking to a child. Maybe I should've let your mother stay and hold your hand."

"I am not a child," Ben said offended.

"Good, then I won't sugar coat anything and I'll be honest with you if you are honest with me. We can both be adults. And if you are serious about being here and dealing with your issues than you are going to have to let me in and see everything that you want to hide," Snoke said looking into Ben's eyes.

Ben felt the intensity of Snoke's stare unnerving him, but Snoke's words were also inviting. And alluring in Ben's mind.

Ben did not want to be treated like a child. He hadn't felt like a child since Han died and Ben doubt he ever would again. It was time for him to grow up. Ben also wanted to be better for his mother. He was sick of failing her and disappointing her.

Ben also though about Rey.

Innocent and beautiful in a way that Ben was afraid to ruin. He didn't deserve her kindness and her love.

He wanted to try and be a better person and if that meant talking to Snoke about painful things, Ben felt he could take it.

"Okay. I understand. I can be better. I'll be an open book," Ben relented.

Snoke smiled.

"Then let's get started."

 **This life is filled with hurt**

 **When happiness doesn't work**

 **Trust me, and take my hand**

 **When the lights go out, you'll understand**

 **'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all**


End file.
